Seventy Pounds So Far

It's hard not to still find serious faults with my body. Today as I was nursing -- the flesh of my stomach -- soft and rounded was there as Z sat up in bed -- and just dove towards me -- touched my stomach, giggled, laughed -- it was such a source of joy for her -- being near me -- how can I hate something she loves so much?

It's a sickness in this society that as a nearly 40 year old woman I pine and obsess that I should look as I did when I was 25. I am working on that piece.

I am still working towards that idea of the natural weight -- I plan on reading Women Food and God again. I have been trying to focus on health and being able to enjoy the things in life I used to -- it's a joy to do my morning walk now and go briskly up the hills -- even with Z in the carrier...I'm at the point now -- both with my own fitness and with Z's age -- that I want to start going back to the gym -- whether that means leaving her in the gym's daycare or with one of the grandmother's for an hour.

My biggest hurdle is to continue to fixate on that skinniest weight goal -- that weight that I was for a femto-second after pneumonia and influenza and depression...who cares if I fit into a six dress? A size ten jeans.

Was I happier then or now?

Now, absolutely -- so I am learning to let go. I'm just going to keep exercising, keep listening to my body and seeing where it takes me.

G has decided he wants to lose ten lbs -- and so we're having a little friendly competition. You know men -- they cut out their nightly chips and lose ten lbs.

I'm still trying for a pound a week -- I didn't weigh in on vacation -- and my eating habits took a vacation too so I'm sort of scared to step on the scale...I'll check in in a month or so and let you know what's going on progress-wise...

Who Knew Walking Works

This is a lesson for me.

I never wanted to do anything unless I did it well and if I was exercising since I'd exercised, at one time, like an athlete, there was no way in my mind that I was going to exercise like an old woman.

Of course that means if you're out of the habit of hard core exercise or can't for various reasons (constrained by time or physical limitations) then you won't be exercising.

If I can't run I guess I'll just sit on the couch and watch The Today Show. If I can't go to the kickboxing class at the gym well then pass the Newman O's.

It clicked for me finally that I wasn't going to be able to do anything other than walk for a while -- with Z in tow -- and so I now, for months, have been walking every morning -- first a few miles, then three miles, and now five miles regularly in the morning (immensely helped and motivated by my nike+ pedometer that transmits to my ipod).

The mornings I walk 5 miles I burn 700 calories, other mornings when its more like 3.5 or so I burn 486.

Even G looked at me and said "I think you've lost weight" and he's incredibly vocal about how much he loves my physical self no matter the weight -- so -- hooray.

Progress after all this time -- and who knew it would be through walking with an 18 lb baby in an ergo? (Well, and cutting out all but the occasional takeout, cutting out all dairy and caffeine ...)

Pound and a Half Per Week

Okay, more like a pound -- but G and I are trying to limit our take out even though its a trick balancing Z's sleep schedule and cooking -- but I've been walking three miles each morning and sneaking in yoga or other exercise videos OnDemand when I can. I'm now pre-pregnancy weight -- but I have thirty pounds more to be pre-infertility weight. I have given myself a goal of Z's first birthday -- that I want to lose 20 more lbs by then -- I would then be what used to be my college danger weight of 165 -- and ten lbs away from the top end of the BMI range for my height. I'm back into size 12 skirts and 14 jeans -- the biggest difference is the fuller upper body too -- since my friends cancer diagnosis I have been very motivated to slim down for long term health -- and since Z's birth I've been determined to make peace with my body, encourage a healthier attitude towards weight loss etc. It's been a challenge because my first inclination is to slash my calories to 1200 and work out like a fiend -- but I can't -- I can't because I value breastfeeding so much and I can't because my schedule doesn't allow for that kind of thing...and this is forcing me to slow down, slow and steady winning the race and all of that.

I have felt phenomenal since quitting dairy five months ago -- though I miss yogurt I've been eating coconut milk based products if I'm really craving the creamy dairy-like things. We're getting a farm share so there's been lots of greens -- and tonight I made a yummy turnip puree and sauteed fresh broccoli in olive oil and red pepper flakes (thank you Bittman.)

The prohibition against dairy only goes so far -- I was no stranger to the chocolate cake for my birthday and, in fact, as is my habit, ate a slice every day until it was gone.

Happy 38th to me. I refuse to be battling weight when I'm 40.

I've been watching Jillian Michael's show and crying. It is amazing how emotional the issue of weight continues to be.

Sorry this is so short but I just wanted to record the progress -- the baby's sleeping and I have a whole half an hour to luxuriate in my aloneness.

XO

P

Ho Hum

Remember how I'm all "I'm going to be kinder to myself and my body image" ...

Not so easy.

I had been making a slow, snail-like progress of 1.5 lbs a week until I plateaued this week BLAH. I have lost all of the weight I gained in pregnancy -- SUPER -- and now I'm back to trying to lose the weight I gained in fertility treatments which, if I'm honest, is about 35lbs.

I have lost about 56lbs since December -- and without much effort, frankly -- but I feel like I'm back where I was pre-pregancy without the luxury of time to exercise like I was (which wasn't really getting me anywhere anyway) -- oh, and my tummy has that whole 'kitty swinger' thing going on -- you know, like the chubby kitties who run and their tummies go back and forth.

When I was on goal I was so positive -- "I can do this by Z's first birthday" etc... and it only takes a week of non-progress to throw me to the bottom again.

I also, unwisely, ordered a pair of Joe's Jeans -- thinking it would be a motivator -- the size I wore before -- 32 -- and while they 'fit' I can't say they do so comfortably -- and I put them back in my closet -- a very expensive mistake there -- I keep telling myself that ten more pounds will make a world of difference.

I hate photos of myself including the one I posted on the other blog -- love Z but hate the fullness of my face.

I keep thinking of Geneen Roth on Oprah and wonder how it is that even though I understand that my issues to food are a door to my emotions it doesn't seem to change anything -- I still need that transformational key somehow -- I do know it -- I am conscious of these things if I overeat, but overeating isn't really the issue -- I'm beginning to suspect, like my weight loss psychologist suggested -- that I am one of those body types who are super-efficient with their calories -- holding on to each one -- and so I would fare really wonderfully in famine but in order to lose weight need to take my body down to 1200 calories a day which is the only way I lost weight before - -nearly seven years ago now.

I am trying to keep my focus on health -- because breastfeeding is so important to me I am eating a balanced diet and walking with Z everyday -- but not pushing the cardio envelope at all. I have an old baby jogger that used to be W's and I'm wondering if I can use it with Z when she's 6 months -- she fits in it now -- but I read somewhere that the jarring motions of running make it an activity best done 6mo and later...one more month and then I'd like to start running again --

The only part of being with Z 24/7 and breastfeeding on demand that is challenging for me is that it is difficult to carve out time by myself while my mom or MIL watches her -- she is so dependent on nursing for soothing that the minute she realizes I am gone she is inconsolable. I keep telling myself that this period of baby/toddlerhood is so short --and I'll never get it back again -- as she begins to nap longer and sleep more soundly I can begin to snatch back 20 minutes here and there to be on the exercise bike or do a pilates or yoga dvd. I could've done it now but here I am blogging!

I Despise That Scale

You might notice if you follow this blog through reader that the last post disappeared. It was just me obsessing only this time about our tanita scale that gives body fat percentage.

I was all proud of myself thinking I had below 30 % even though the number is still waaaay too high.

You wanna hear something tragic? It has individual settings for each person who uses it -- and yep, you guessed it, I was reading what it would be if I were G. When it read mine it was higher than the original 38% five years and twenty pounds ago.

So, the euphoria was short lived.

I will tell myself the same thing I told my MIL today -- I'm working on a slow and steady 1.5 lb loss a week (some weeks not so much so) -- and in a year? Hopefully I'll be seeing results. It's hard to imagine right now but I refuse to be discouraged and give up.

I swore off chocolate again after the last lindt chocolate egg.

I Just Thought This Was Funny

I always took those photos in the mirror -- so here's the new one -- but I think I've gained nearly seventeen pounds...

Bikram Yoga

Now

Then

My brother's been touting the miracle of hot yoga for awhile now. He lives in Cambridge near Baron Baptiste's studio -- and yes I know the two are in a dispute about Bikram's trying to copyright the sequence of asanas... and I know the yoga community has strong feelings about it -- so if you've stumbled here because of that --feel free to comment since I know very little about the differences between the two and am not able to do anything but home practice now because of the baby -- but did look up Bikram's asana sequence online and have been doing it. I' ve been doing yoga for nearly ten years now - mostly 'hatha' yoga -- some at gyms, some at yoga studios, some from yoga tapes and a home practice -- I've done quite a bit of technical reading on postures because that's the sort of geek I am and love the yoga textbook I have, a review of which I found in the old Yoga Journal when it was more of a old school yoga practitioner magazine rather than the glossy incarnation it is now...anyway I can do most of the poses -- or a close variation -- with the exception of the toe stand. I don't know how to even GET there.

I'm also wondering what kind of transitions go between these poses -- is it all sun-salutation based like the hatha-flow?

I love how yoga makes me feel -- and since I can manage to do these poses and talk to the little one it makes for a more doable workout than say, running on the treadmill -- something I have to reserve for when she naps longer on her own than she does now.

I'm losing weight steadily at about 1.5 lbs a week -- that's if I don't do much in the way of crazy-dieting or heavy cardio -- neither of which I've done since I'm breastfeeding. Slow and steady I keep telling myself. Slow and steady.

I took my measurements for the first time in a long time -- that being my long-time marker of progress other than the scale -- the interesting facts I learned -- that for me an inch in the measuring tape equals about five lbs -- that most of my weight gain is in my rear and chest (no surprise there) -- that I'm probably 25 pounds away from feeling good about myself and getting that sexy mojo back -- so that's my goal -- 165 -- gone are the days of obsessing about trying to get into the 130's -- something I was only able to do after a year and a half of crippling depression, obsessive exercising, sticking to a 1200 calorie diet, traveling to Colombia to visit my brother and not speaking enough Spanish to ask for a snack for two weeks and THEN coming home with a serious case of food poisoning, followed by a two-week bout with the stomach flu.

Then I was a size six and weighed 138 pounds. I could give you my measurements too -- 35-27.5-39 -- exactly five inches more now on each of those measurements...

But I'm not going to obsess, right? This is like an alcoholic telling old drinking stories -- I need to let go of those measurements -- I was angry with myself when I couldn't find my old obsessive journal with all the measurements from over the past ten years -- all the chronicling that I must've thrown out in a moment of mental health clarity --'what was I thinking' I asked myself...

This fostering a positive body image is hard fucking stuff.