Seventy Pounds So Far

It's hard not to still find serious faults with my body. Today as I was nursing -- the flesh of my stomach -- soft and rounded was there as Z sat up in bed -- and just dove towards me -- touched my stomach, giggled, laughed -- it was such a source of joy for her -- being near me -- how can I hate something she loves so much?

It's a sickness in this society that as a nearly 40 year old woman I pine and obsess that I should look as I did when I was 25. I am working on that piece.

I am still working towards that idea of the natural weight -- I plan on reading Women Food and God again. I have been trying to focus on health and being able to enjoy the things in life I used to -- it's a joy to do my morning walk now and go briskly up the hills -- even with Z in the carrier...I'm at the point now -- both with my own fitness and with Z's age -- that I want to start going back to the gym -- whether that means leaving her in the gym's daycare or with one of the grandmother's for an hour.

My biggest hurdle is to continue to fixate on that skinniest weight goal -- that weight that I was for a femto-second after pneumonia and influenza and depression...who cares if I fit into a six dress? A size ten jeans.

Was I happier then or now?

Now, absolutely -- so I am learning to let go. I'm just going to keep exercising, keep listening to my body and seeing where it takes me.

G has decided he wants to lose ten lbs -- and so we're having a little friendly competition. You know men -- they cut out their nightly chips and lose ten lbs.

I'm still trying for a pound a week -- I didn't weigh in on vacation -- and my eating habits took a vacation too so I'm sort of scared to step on the scale...I'll check in in a month or so and let you know what's going on progress-wise...