Skadi's Trail

Seventy Pounds So Far

2010-09-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

It's hard not to still find serious faults with my body. Today as I was nursing -- the flesh of my stomach -- soft and rounded was there as Z sat up in bed -- and just dove towards me -- touched my stomach, giggled, laughed -- it was such a source of joy for her -- being near me -- how can I hate something she loves so much?

It's a sickness in this society that as a nearly 40 year old woman I pine and obsess that I should look as I did when I was 25. I am working on that piece.

I am still working towards that idea of the natural weight -- I plan on reading Women Food and God again. I have been trying to focus on health and being able to enjoy the things in life I used to -- it's a joy to do my morning walk now and go briskly up the hills -- even with Z in the carrier...I'm at the point now -- both with my own fitness and with Z's age -- that I want to start going back to the gym -- whether that means leaving her in the gym's daycare or with one of the grandmother's for an hour.

My biggest hurdle is to continue to fixate on that skinniest weight goal -- that weight that I was for a femto-second after pneumonia and influenza and depression...who cares if I fit into a six dress? A size ten jeans.

Was I happier then or now?

Now, absolutely -- so I am learning to let go. I'm just going to keep exercising, keep listening to my body and seeing where it takes me.

G has decided he wants to lose ten lbs -- and so we're having a little friendly competition. You know men -- they cut out their nightly chips and lose ten lbs.

I'm still trying for a pound a week -- I didn't weigh in on vacation -- and my eating habits took a vacation too so I'm sort of scared to step on the scale...I'll check in in a month or so and let you know what's going on progress-wise...

Who Knew Walking Works

2010-07-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

This is a lesson for me.

I never wanted to do anything unless I did it well and if I was exercising since I'd exercised, at one time, like an athlete, there was no way in my mind that I was going to exercise like an old woman.

Of course that means if you're out of the habit of hard core exercise or can't for various reasons (constrained by time or physical limitations) then you won't be exercising.

If I can't run I guess I'll just sit on the couch and watch The Today Show. If I can't go to the kickboxing class at the gym well then pass the Newman O's.

It clicked for me finally that I wasn't going to be able to do anything other than walk for a while -- with Z in tow -- and so I now, for months, have been walking every morning -- first a few miles, then three miles, and now five miles regularly in the morning (immensely helped and motivated by my nike+ pedometer that transmits to my ipod).

The mornings I walk 5 miles I burn 700 calories, other mornings when its more like 3.5 or so I burn 486.

Even G looked at me and said "I think you've lost weight" and he's incredibly vocal about how much he loves my physical self no matter the weight -- so -- hooray.

Progress after all this time -- and who knew it would be through walking with an 18 lb baby in an ergo? (Well, and cutting out all but the occasional takeout, cutting out all dairy and caffeine ...)

Pound and a Half Per Week

2010-06-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, more like a pound -- but G and I are trying to limit our take out even though its a trick balancing Z's sleep schedule and cooking -- but I've been walking three miles each morning and sneaking in yoga or other exercise videos OnDemand when I can. I'm now pre-pregnancy weight -- but I have thirty pounds more to be pre-infertility weight. I have given myself a goal of Z's first birthday -- that I want to lose 20 more lbs by then -- I would then be what used to be my college danger weight of 165 -- and ten lbs away from the top end of the BMI range for my height. I'm back into size 12 skirts and 14 jeans -- the biggest difference is the fuller upper body too -- since my friends cancer diagnosis I have been very motivated to slim down for long term health -- and since Z's birth I've been determined to make peace with my body, encourage a healthier attitude towards weight loss etc. It's been a challenge because my first inclination is to slash my calories to 1200 and work out like a fiend -- but I can't -- I can't because I value breastfeeding so much and I can't because my schedule doesn't allow for that kind of thing...and this is forcing me to slow down, slow and steady winning the race and all of that.

I have felt phenomenal since quitting dairy five months ago -- though I miss yogurt I've been eating coconut milk based products if I'm really craving the creamy dairy-like things. We're getting a farm share so there's been lots of greens -- and tonight I made a yummy turnip puree and sauteed fresh broccoli in olive oil and red pepper flakes (thank you Bittman.)

The prohibition against dairy only goes so far -- I was no stranger to the chocolate cake for my birthday and, in fact, as is my habit, ate a slice every day until it was gone.

Happy 38th to me. I refuse to be battling weight when I'm 40.

I've been watching Jillian Michael's show and crying. It is amazing how emotional the issue of weight continues to be.

Sorry this is so short but I just wanted to record the progress -- the baby's sleeping and I have a whole half an hour to luxuriate in my aloneness.

Ho Hum

2010-05-14T18:00:00.001-07:00

Remember how I'm all "I'm going to be kinder to myself and my body image" ...

Not so easy.

I had been making a slow, snail-like progress of 1.5 lbs a week until I plateaued this week BLAH. I have lost all of the weight I gained in pregnancy -- SUPER -- and now I'm back to trying to lose the weight I gained in fertility treatments which, if I'm honest, is about 35lbs.

I have lost about 56lbs since December -- and without much effort, frankly -- but I feel like I'm back where I was pre-pregancy without the luxury of time to exercise like I was (which wasn't really getting me anywhere anyway) -- oh, and my tummy has that whole 'kitty swinger' thing going on -- you know, like the chubby kitties who run and their tummies go back and forth.

When I was on goal I was so positive -- "I can do this by Z's first birthday" etc... and it only takes a week of non-progress to throw me to the bottom again.

I also, unwisely, ordered a pair of Joe's Jeans -- thinking it would be a motivator -- the size I wore before -- 32 -- and while they 'fit' I can't say they do so comfortably -- and I put them back in my closet -- a very expensive mistake there -- I keep telling myself that ten more pounds will make a world of difference.

I hate photos of myself including the one I posted on the other blog -- love Z but hate the fullness of my face.

I keep thinking of Geneen Roth on Oprah and wonder how it is that even though I understand that my issues to food are a door to my emotions it doesn't seem to change anything -- I still need that transformational key somehow -- I do know it -- I am conscious of these things if I overeat, but overeating isn't really the issue -- I'm beginning to suspect, like my weight loss psychologist suggested -- that I am one of those body types who are super-efficient with their calories -- holding on to each one -- and so I would fare really wonderfully in famine but in order to lose weight need to take my body down to 1200 calories a day which is the only way I lost weight before - -nearly seven years ago now.

I am trying to keep my focus on health -- because breastfeeding is so important to me I am eating a balanced diet and walking with Z everyday -- but not pushing the cardio envelope at all. I have an old baby jogger that used to be W's and I'm wondering if I can use it with Z when she's 6 months -- she fits in it now -- but I read somewhere that the jarring motions of running make it an activity best done 6mo and later...one more month and then I'd like to start running again --

The only part of being with Z 24/7 and breastfeeding on demand that is challenging for me is that it is difficult to carve out time by myself while my mom or MIL watches her -- she is so dependent on nursing for soothing that the minute she realizes I am gone she is inconsolable. I keep telling myself that this period of baby/toddlerhood is so short --and I'll never get it back again -- as she begins to nap longer and sleep more soundly I can begin to snatch back 20 minutes here and there to be on the exercise bike or do a pilates or yoga dvd. I could've done it now but here I am blogging!

I Despise That Scale

2010-04-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

You might notice if you follow this blog through reader that the last post disappeared. It was just me obsessing only this time about our tanita scale that gives body fat percentage.

I was all proud of myself thinking I had below 30 % even though the number is still waaaay too high.

You wanna hear something tragic? It has individual settings for each person who uses it -- and yep, you guessed it, I was reading what it would be if I were G. When it read mine it was higher than the original 38% five years and twenty pounds ago.

So, the euphoria was short lived.

I will tell myself the same thing I told my MIL today -- I'm working on a slow and steady 1.5 lb loss a week (some weeks not so much so) -- and in a year? Hopefully I'll be seeing results. It's hard to imagine right now but I refuse to be discouraged and give up.

I swore off chocolate again after the last lindt chocolate egg.

I Just Thought This Was Funny

2010-03-30T18:13:00.001-07:00

I always took those photos in the mirror -- so here's the new one -- but I think I've gained nearly seventeen pounds...

Bikram Yoga

2010-03-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Now

Then

My brother's been touting the miracle of hot yoga for awhile now. He lives in Cambridge near Baron Baptiste's studio -- and yes I know the two are in a dispute about Bikram's trying to copyright the sequence of asanas... and I know the yoga community has strong feelings about it -- so if you've stumbled here because of that --feel free to comment since I know very little about the differences between the two and am not able to do anything but home practice now because of the baby -- but did look up Bikram's asana sequence online and have been doing it. I' ve been doing yoga for nearly ten years now - mostly 'hatha' yoga -- some at gyms, some at yoga studios, some from yoga tapes and a home practice -- I've done quite a bit of technical reading on postures because that's the sort of geek I am and love the yoga textbook I have, a review of which I found in the old Yoga Journal when it was more of a old school yoga practitioner magazine rather than the glossy incarnation it is now...anyway I can do most of the poses -- or a close variation -- with the exception of the toe stand. I don't know how to even GET there.

I'm also wondering what kind of transitions go between these poses -- is it all sun-salutation based like the hatha-flow?

I love how yoga makes me feel -- and since I can manage to do these poses and talk to the little one it makes for a more doable workout than say, running on the treadmill -- something I have to reserve for when she naps longer on her own than she does now.

I'm losing weight steadily at about 1.5 lbs a week -- that's if I don't do much in the way of crazy-dieting or heavy cardio -- neither of which I've done since I'm breastfeeding. Slow and steady I keep telling myself. Slow and steady.

I took my measurements for the first time in a long time -- that being my long-time marker of progress other than the scale -- the interesting facts I learned -- that for me an inch in the measuring tape equals about five lbs -- that most of my weight gain is in my rear and chest (no surprise there) -- that I'm probably 25 pounds away from feeling good about myself and getting that sexy mojo back -- so that's my goal -- 165 -- gone are the days of obsessing about trying to get into the 130's -- something I was only able to do after a year and a half of crippling depression, obsessive exercising, sticking to a 1200 calorie diet, traveling to Colombia to visit my brother and not speaking enough Spanish to ask for a snack for two weeks and THEN coming home with a serious case of food poisoning, followed by a two-week bout with the stomach flu.

Then I was a size six and weighed 138 pounds. I could give you my measurements too -- 35-27.5-39 -- exactly five inches more now on each of those measurements...

But I'm not going to obsess, right? This is like an alcoholic telling old drinking stories -- I need to let go of those measurements -- I was angry with myself when I couldn't find my old obsessive journal with all the measurements from over the past ten years -- all the chronicling that I must've thrown out in a moment of mental health clarity --'what was I thinking' I asked myself...

This fostering a positive body image is hard fucking stuff.

Back on the Trail

2010-02-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm going to admit it. I don't want to but I feel that I should for the sake of women everywhere who might come across this blog and have struggled with their body image.

At the end of my pregnancy I weighed in at 245 lbs. Yes, you read right. My husband joked that he hoped I'd gain five more pounds to make it really impressive. I am down 48 lbs -- currently I weigh twelve pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight -- but am so far over what the stable weight of my mid-to-late twenties was (148) that I can no longer claim that as my weight loss goal - that is too effing depressing. My danger weight used to be 165 -- that was the weight that I hit when things went way too far -- and now that's my ultimate goal -- about thirty pounds away.

I'm not thinking anything crazy -- no fad diets, no crazy schemes -- I'm trying to walk four miles on the treadmill each day -- working up to five miles -- and weights with the babe in a sling --I look forward to running this summer when Z is old enough to be in a baby jogger and when the thaw finally comes -- I am keeping to the old adage 'it took you nine months to put it on give yourself nine to take it off ' -- only my added weight was also infertility which took me four years to put on -- so I'm going easy on myself. Finally.

But I weighed myself today -- and I actually stated it out loud here -- accountability. Not only do I want to find myself a peace with my body image for Z's sake -- I want to be healthy, and have an active life. With a dear friend of mine having been diagnosed with cancer I can't help but continue to think about the responsibility I have to do everything I can to take care of myself --with a healthy diet and exercise. I've already given up dairy and eggs for Z's sake breastfeeding -- it should be interesting to see whether it makes a difference for me in my overall weight.

X joked that I should write a book "I love you so much I gave up cheese."

I'm going to try to write more here about my journey to health. I have a kind of runner's knee right now --there's a name for it but I can't think of what it is -- if I kneel just so I get a burning sensation in my knee -- it was much worse in pregnancy but it's still there -- so I will be safeguarding my knees until I take a bit more of the weight off -- not wanting to risk worsening the injury.

I can't wait until I can get time to myself enough to get back into yoga... I did set a goal of trying to lose 1.5 lbs a week -- but I've never had much success with those goals...we'll see!

Dusting the Cobwebs

2009-06-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

Fifteen Weeks

It's been a while since I've written here -- my focus, of course, has been on health -- and eating well for entirely different reasons than before -- the pregnancy has also meant that, for me, I have dialed down the exercise -- I have been walking with the dog, using the recumbent bike, even tried out a water aerobics class with the local 75 year olds (it was fun -- though mostly the women were interested in gossiping and floating). I am attuned to every twinge and so haven't wanted to push myself -- I do note that if I have a particularly active day I feel more twinges than usual...so I try to keep hydrated. I do have a Gabrielle Reese prenatal exercise video -- and besides the complete and total moral degradation of seeing what she looks like at five months pregnant (not very) versus me at not even quite four... -- I like it and find it doable...I've been meaning to check out a prenatal yoga class.

I knew that the physical changes of pregnancy were going to be difficult for me -- for all the reasons I've written here -- and the reality that our infertility journey left me nearly forty pounds heavier than I had been just four years before --I am trying to keep focused on my health and that of the baby (!!!)... I tell myself that I can return to my own body -- through commitment and taking the long view -- and the meanwhile I have to make peace with my changing shape...AND feel more comfortable with exercising regularly while pregnant...I'll write more about this when I have gathered my thoughts -- for now I feel sort of vain for feeling as I do -- for all the years of really wanting nothing more than pregnancy -- to dislike catching my face in a mirror as I pass, or feeling shy of photos -- I feel weirdly guilty but am TRYING to have a positive attitude. I've posted a side view -- which is a little misleading -- like one of those cartoon flounders who is one size on the side view and then turns to face the camera and is giant.

Funny Ha Ha.

2009-02-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

Isn't it ironic?

Alice Domar:
"There are three reasons why I have my fertility patients do yoga," she says. "One: It's very effective relaxation. Two: Infertility patients tend to be angry with their bodies. They're not doing what they want them to do, and yoga gives them back the sense that their body can make them feel good. And three: I personally believe, and there's some data to support this, infertility patients need to cut down on the intensity and frequency of aerobic exercise, and hatha yoga is a phenomenal substitute."

So, I've been at cross-purposes with my body.

It's like if you read THIS blog you may have some insight to my problems on the OTHER blog. What response did I have to the stress of not conceiving? Why exercising HARDER of course.

I'm going to choose to find this funny -- that, and return to yoga and walking. Dial it down. Be easy on this body.

Half Pound A Week

2009-01-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

So.

That's my story. My weight loss psychologist, you can tell, thinks that I'm lying to him about how much I eat or how much I exercise -- and who knows, maybe I am eating more than I should be -- because I just can't enjoy such a bleak culinary landscape as he suggests -- but I know for certain I am exercising at the least a full hour of cardio in the appropriate zone daily -- sometimes an hour and a half if I'm ambitious -- though lately it's been undoable to do two full hours.

I'm averaging a loss of half a pound a week. Its going to be difficult with the IVF cycle coming up -- both with my stress and the emotional component to eating -- and with the times I'll have to slow down on exercise --its these times I wish I had a better and more reliable de-stresser than cardio -- how do you destress when that's not an option?

I'm frustrated, but trying to be kind to myself.

Today

2009-01-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

I promise I'm not going to wuss out and only post these. (for those of you joining me in google reader -- 'these' refers to my little Nikefit running map that shows up on my site, but not on the reader.) It's just that I'm still in love with this whole 'back to running' thing. But Pam, I hear you saying, aren't you doing IVF in March -- should you be running?

I'm not sure. Should I?

Hmn.

Nike Fit

2009-01-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

So.

I'm incredibly proud of myself.

If you've been following my blogs at all you might have noticed that I started last year with the intention of running -- this blog, after all, was called Skadi's trail...I managed to exercise -- and I tried a few times to run -- and was successful, but so demoralized by the experience that I went back to the recumbent bike or the elliptical.

I was discouraged because of where I used to be -- and my current state - how hard a three mile run seemed.

It used to be that I could run without thinking -- and that was its joy -- the nonthinking, or the thoughts rising like on a meditation cushion...stream of consciousness...I did note that I was too busy thinking "oh my god I'm running" and "oh my god I'm doing it" -- I did have one place in the run that brought me to that silence...and I noticed that in my mind I still run in the mountains, which is bittersweet.

I had a few thoughts: I want to keep exercising even if I get pregnant.

I need to keep exercising.

That, like a new mother, when W came into my life I let myself go -- and only this last year was I able to come back to myself -- ironic, of course, because here we go...trying for a child...I want to carve out that 'me' time...

I also noticed that there was some chafing (ouch) -- which underscored a few things: how much I need to continue the road to fitness -- and how great of shape I was in before and so undervalued myself.

So. For today, I'm proud of myself.

Wii Fit

2009-01-07T07:10:00.001-08:00

it actually makes me sore
I'm continuing my cardio on the bike but adding the 45 mn of wii fit and actual stepping on the scale daily -- as loathe as I was to do it seems to help
I'm addicted to the giant slalom balance game - no surprise there...
hula-hooping is really fucking hard
the game 'claims' that I have lost 4 lbs since we bought it -- which seems unlikely since that was Christmas -- unless I happened to step on it after Christmas dinner and that was my highly bloated starting point.
The plus: the little mii character no longer chirps "I'm obese" -- but simply "I'm overweight" -- which makes me still hate her guts...but I feel the progress...and am a little sheepish to reveal that it's actually motivating.
I'm trying to avoid the norovirus that has been sweeping through family and friends like the plague -- washing my hands like Lady Macbeth...wish me health!
I'm a little concerned about how my new health-centered practice is going to intersect with the IVF -- even my IVF brochure suggests an integrated exercise practice...any thoughts on this?

Pam

The Great Wii Fit Experiment: Wordgirl Edition

2008-12-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

So it has taken me over a year -- for as long as I've been blogging really -- to grudgingly give myself a little bit of credit for taking care of myself physically.

I honestly can't tell you how it happened that I lost control of my own body -- and as I've said before -- I'm blessed (or cursed) with a curvy phenotype that has proportion in its corner -- and because of that it didn't really occur to me that things had gone so horribly awry - like forty pounds of awry here people -- and to be fair, when I use that number I'm going way back to my thinnest most unsustainable weight -- the post-influenza, two-year suicidal depression weight of 138 -- which my body does not, and I repeat, does not like -- I think honestly that the last time I was 138 I was in the fifth grade -- when you hit those childhood years where one's size exceeds one's age -- well, it's traumatic. I've gone through it before here -- the hard won exercise, going to college in Colorado, teaching myself to run -- half mile by half mile until I was running four miles a day -- through mountains and on country roads -- living a life that was, let's face it, centered around the places where I could move my body in the natural world -- past those trailheads and into the mountains. I prioritized that -- and in my way, was prioritizing my health. I became an athlete. I rollerbladed nearly every day in the summer -- ran, skied all winter -- ran over ice patches and with face masks on...and yet I hated my body. I never thought I was enough, thin enough -- never looked in the mirror and loved my body or thanked it for being so sturdy, so strong. Hate isn't too strong a word. I despised myself. There were years that I would have given anything to be reed thin. I remember watching a documentary of that same name -- and at the end of it when the young girl, 13, hugged her skeletal legs against her chest -- talking to the veteran anorexic who was trying to convince her that she needed to wake up -- that she couldn't be like this woman -- trapped in a child's body -- taking her own food to Thanksgiving dinner, denying herself like an ascetic, body so wasted that she wasn't really a woman...the hair stood up on the back of my neck, my arms when the young girl took it all in and then just keened 'but I want to be thin' -- wracking sobs. I got it. Viscerally, deeply, I got it. I would have given anything to be thin.

And then I was thin and I couldn't see it.

I moved home. Struggled making a career for myself. Battled anxiety, depression. G came along.

And then I found joy and came back to life and didn't weigh myself every morning, ate things that I hadn't for years -- butter, half and half, white rice, pasta -- even a quarter-pounder on a road trip (gasp). I allowed myself to take a day off exercising...and then there were other things that were important -- eating dinner with W -- who was 3 and half then -- being with them even though it meant sacrificing that time that had been carved out for exercise.

I worked. Exercise became sporadic. My diet changed. I would still say that G and I are 'active' people -- we like to hike in the woods, ski, play in the snow -- snowshoe or x-country ski -- skate -- but I wasn't active daily for an extended period of time...I stopped stepping on the scale.

I remember buying my wedding dress and getting measured for it. When I went in for the fitting I had to suck in -- ALOT. Somehow, I felt more loved than I ever had -- but I knew too that I was taking more photos -- in part because I didn't like what the camera's lens showed me. Who the hell is that? I was still at a point where I was comfortable enough -- this was the fall of 2006 -- and then we began fertility medications.

What I came to understand is that phrase 'letting yourself go' -- I let my self go. I lost that core idea of who I was -- that athletic girl in the Colorado sunshine -- that girl with the wheat-colored hair running the Rattlesnake trail in Missoula -- I lost who that girl was -- who shopped at the co-ops and lived in old turn of the century apartments with her stacks of books -- who stole abandoned t-shirts at the laundromat because money was so tight.

I was a stepmom who drove her leather-seated Jeep Grand Cherokee to Target. I wore pearl stud earrings and spent more at the salon than I used to spend in my share of rent. I walked the sidewalk-less streets of the suburbs where the highest point was the water tower rising over the Mall like a mushroom cloud. I looked at the women -- with their haircuts and purses and minivans and not one of them looked like they knew what it was like to sit at a potluck dinner, cross-legged on the floor -- laughing. Oh how long since I've had friends, kindred spirits.

I let my self go.

There are some things I can't change: we can't relocate to my heart's center, some mountain university hippie mecca -- we're tied here by the most important of ties -- a little boy who I couldn't love more if he were my own -- but I started going back to the co op, I pulled out the cookbooks I used to pore over...and its very telling to me that I started listening again to 'that lesbian folk crap' as G laughingly calls it (well, yeah, I said ...remember who you're talking to mister) -- and I mean listening to my own music -- which I haven't done for maybe eight years. I began moving my body again.

Feeding myself mindfully.

I've been exercising my way back to a kind of self acceptance -- that I am not the person I was -- that I am simply who I am today -- a version of that girl certainly. I've been getting that stirring feeling -- my body strong enough now that its calling to me to start running again -- something I've meant to do but haven't felt strong enough. I literally have felt it calling to me -- that whispering of what it feels to have my feet and heart pounding at the same time...I am coming back to my self.

I want to be that athlete -- that forty year old woman whose hair is a little too long -- who still wears it like she wore it in college -- who wears those silver bracelets and her toe rings, her lapis earrings she bought in that Tibetan shop, that scarf from the street vendor on Pearl Street in 1990. I want to take that baby backpack carrier out of the closet downstairs.

I realize that when I bought it all those years ago -- and realized that no baby was coming -- there would be no mountain hikes with a toddler in a backpack, no dog sprawling at my feet sitting outside of Bernice's in the sun, coffee in my hand...that if I couldn't live that life then some other life was meant for me. In many ways this was part of the hard part of the journey with G and me - the part I don't write much about -- how I was ready to have a family, to settle down so much sooner than he was -- how he was focused so much on his life with W and I had to fit myself into the part of their life that could accommodate me. While I found great love it also was a path that required a huge amount of concession -- X was the mother, I wasn't. W was the center -- always -- what role I played was a support person -- those, the early years. I never had that experience where you and your partner stand before your separate life's paths and dreams and get to choose how to merge them -- had we had that opportunity I think G and I would be in some small liberal mecca -- close to trailheads and universities -- close enough to a city for him to work in his profession...there's some version of us in Bozeman or Portland or Boulder -- Missoula. But in that life there would be no W -- and that is impossible to imagine. Don't misunderstand -- this was a conscious decision of mine -- and the pull I felt towards G's heart was by far a stronger pull than any mountain range had ever had. But when I realized that it would be years before motherhood came to me, if it ever did, I put away the baby sweaters and the baby backpacks. The old books I'd had since childhood.

But you can't put yourself in a closet. I, of all people, should realize that.

Well, as always, I lost control of this post -- I was just going to tell you all that Santa brought me a Wii Fit and I'm excited at the prospect of one more way to bring me back to myself -- gently.

2008-12-19T11:05:00.001-08:00

Four pounds.

Now, this could be a hard-won success -- and I could look upon it with favor...

I could curse myself heartily.

I'm going back and forth. I'm going to choose to congratulate myself.

The good parts: my energy and mood are fantastic.

My body feels strong.

12 is not a bad number.

I have tried to move up to between 90-120 minutes a day working out -- I have another goal as well.

1. walk daily a bit longer with the dog

2.integrate yoga three times a week

3. add a second session at the gym where I finally put the nikefit system into use and track my running -- which I haven't been up to doing -- but now that I am seeing slight progress it seems like the next step.

Mystery Solved

2008-11-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

Dr Weight Psychologist had these bits of wisdom:

I am 36, not 26 and so I am slower -- and so are results (ouch).

I need to exercise for two hours daily -- no matter what.

I need to eat 1500-1800 calories -- if for no other reason than for setting up a system that is do-able for the long-term.

I'll keep you updated -- my next appt with him is mid December.

AHRHHRHRHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2008-11-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

Listen God.

Here's the deal.

I've been working out for over an hour EVERY DAY.

I've been lifting weights.

I've been eating far fewer calories than my body requires to ensure a supposed deficit of - oftentimes 500 -- sometimes even 1000 calories fewer than my scale weight supposedly needs (2163 if I did NOTHING -- 2696 if I moved only to bike for 45 mn which is more usually an hour --sometimes TWO)

FOR MONTHS.

AND ALL I GET IS THREE MEASLY POUNDS. THREE??????

You got to fucking be kidding me.

Yes, I did measurements and it would appear there's some tightening around the lower body -- an inch here, half inch there -- which would explain the looser fitting jeans...

I AM SO MAD right now.

So much for being kind to my body.

Progress

2008-10-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I sat on the bike -- well okay -- pedaled vigorously with a high heart rate -- for my hour and a half I noticed a curious thing -- I was motivated to work HARDER -- rather than being exhausted and just powering through it.

It felt nice. I hadn't felt that particular feeling -- the turbo-boost feeling -- in a number of years.

I'm considering upping my cardio to two hours.

Obviously if I was at an ideal weight I would scale back the time -- but for now I feel that this is the only way to weight loss seeing as how the previous year of one 45 minute session was helping my health -- but not my weight -- and that's the issue for me at this point.

I continue to try to improve my coordination with the Tracey Anderson DVD -- at least three times a week -- (she would prefer it be the only exercise you do -- six times a week) I look like an IDIOT doing it -- but thankfully its only the dog looking at me - her mat workout is tough though -- the leg lifts especially -- it feels good to have something you do burn -- you feel like you're actually working.

Archaeology of Jeans

2008-10-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone else have the layers of jeans? The skinny jeans. The skinny on a bloated day jeans. The "I-have-to-break-down-and-go-up-a-size"jeans which I like to call Fat Jean #1, and then there's Fat Jean #2, and then there's just REI yoga pants.

SO.

I was at the yoga pant stage. Now I'm back into Fat Jean #1 -- I mean, they aren't falling off -- but they aren't so tight that it's obscene...that's progress -- right?

Photos

2008-10-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of our first date. I would love to feel good about pictures like I did then -- though notice that even then I was hiding my body.

What I noticed in looking through old photos is the following:

I've always been healthy, with the exception of the years 9-12 and the year after college when I gained the freshman 15 -- maybe a little 'junk in the trunk' -- but all those years I was so unhappy with myself -- argh -- I could just scream now. What wasted time. I have to learn from that and be happy with myself now -- but how.

The food psychologist is strange. Essentially it turns out that my obsessing is what they want from patients who are deemed 'overweight'. I guess it's only a problem if you can't stop doing it once you get thin. Every time I'm in there I feel like screaming 'do you see me??? Am I really in the category of people you think should be addressed?'

Ug. I know it's supposed to have made me feel better but somehow it's putting my behavior in a framework where its acceptable and so, I guess I live with it.

He said he doesn't eat lunch -- and that he only eats on small plates -- and he looks like a wizened little man - I mean he's probably my age -- but he isn't like, 'strappingly' healthy or anything. Lean.

Two things have stuck with me: when he asked me if I were doing well for 23 hours and 45 minutes would I still succeed - and I said, well duh, no -- not if I was inhaling food for those 15 minutes --and then he told a story about competitive eaters and how much they could eat in 15 minutes -- and so that has really made me think about moments where I'm just mindlessly eating chips, or tasting food I'm making, or cleaning up dinner...the other thing that stuck with me is 'every opportunity to eat is an opportunity to eat less' -- which seemed like a trigger to me.

I thought I was doing the right thing in speaking with this man but sometimes I don't know.

Update

2008-10-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

I refuse to step on the scale again but I have been doing an hour and a half of cardio pretty consistently -- 'now with weights' -- I feel good but who the hell knows. Dianne was nice enough to inquire as to how this particular project was progressing. Trying not to be too hard on myself -- focus on how I could hike all over easily -- how strong I am etc. etc. Still. Acceptance of oneself -- hard, hard, hard.

Hmpf

2008-09-23T08:22:00.001-07:00

Sort of disgusted with myself for buying into Oprah recommendations.

Yes, that's right I bought Tracy Anderson's Method.

Well, no harm in trying right?

I'll let you know what I think.

Two A Day

2008-09-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Now I am officially doing two sessions of 45 mn on my bike -- I'm strong enough now(or perhaps bored enough) to contemplate moving this party to the gym.

More on this later. I may try to return to the kickboxing class that was so challenging and filled with twenty year olds.

Maybe.

Women's Magazines Lie

2008-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

I liked the mhp.

He agreed that it was sort of a quandary -- the behaviors that have ruled me in the past about food -- the journaling, the mental calorie-counting etc. -- are, as he pointed out 'adaptively useful' for staying healthy and at a healthy weight -- but the trick is that for me, it ruled me...and how to use those behaviors but divorce them from the emotional weight they used to have.

I was relieved that he didn't feel that hashing up old stuff was part of the deal.

I found the handout he gave me really interesting about the evolution of exercise recommendations.

1996 -the Surgeon General recommends 30 minutes of daily exercise and walking for health -- but acknowledges its not enough for weight loss or even preventing weight gain
2001 - The National Academy of Sciences recommends 60 minutes of brisk activity (defined as walking 4mph) in order to avoid weight problems. It suggests that you can also break it up into smaller amounts of more vigorous activity.
2005 -- Dept. of Health and Human Services releases a report that says that for the first time puts emphasis on calorie consumption and exercise for weight control. The new guidelines recommend 60 minutes of daily exercise to prevent weight gain and up to 90 minutes of daily exercise to lose weight.

The upshot of it is that if you're healthy and at an ideal weight you can engage in 30 mn of daily activity to remain healthy -- moderate-intensity -- stressing that more significant health benefits come from more vigorous activity.

To manage body weight and prevent gradual weight gain in adulthood you should engage in sixty minutes of moderate-to-vigorous intensity on most days of the week while not exceeding caloric intake.

To sustain weight loss you need to participate in 60-90 minutes of daily moderate-intensity physical activity while not exceeding caloric requirements.

If you're interested in this information.

How is it that the women's magazines can lie the way they do -- get fit in 30 minutes...etc.

The doctor and I agreed on that point -- he smiled -- "you're a writer -- write about it" -- he explained that even the medical doctors within his group were reluctant to give out the information as a matter of course because it is feared that people will find it too undoable, too unapproachable.

It's no wonder that we, as a society, struggle as we do with this particular issue.

I guess I need to add ANOTER 45 minutes of daily exercise.

Two Measly Pounds

2008-09-16T06:20:00.000-07:00

But I'll take 'em!

I am still spending more time on the recumbent bike than anything else -- level 8 intervals and feeling like I'm working hard for 45 minutes -- but I suppose my body is just like 'oh yeah, this is what we do every day just for maintenance' and is stubbornly refusing to change.

Even when I look back on my last period of actively 'losing' weight I had to, as G would say, 'work like a m*&her f*&ker' -- adding three kickboxing classes onto daily running and two weekly sessions of weight lifting.

I tell myself if it can save us the 23K cost (not including medications) of the three-fer pack at the fertility clinic -- all the better seeing as how the economy is tanking and I took it upon myself to, um, well -- leave my career -- as you might recall -- or at the very least start a new career of my own making.

I can work myself into an angry ball about the cost of this whole business -- G talked to another dad at hockey who, we found out, spent 75K both conceiving the son playing on the ice with W - and then conceiving twins -- which they lost 6 months along the way -- and to add insult to heartbreak the clinic KICKED them out because they were going to screw up their success rates -- and so they ended up adopting.

I wasn't sure what made me angrier -- the money (this was before shared risk came about) or the focus on success -- suddenly the curtain seemed to be yanked away to see the gears of the money-making machine....

*Deep Breaths*

I have an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in eating/weight management issues -- tomorrow -- it was a kind referral from the other doctor -- this man actually called me to set up an appointment -- having never addressed these particular issues I'm hoping to get some kind of direction in keeping the hypervigilence about food at bay -- I'm already falling into that scary pattern of not eating and feeling virtuous about it -- and then feeling guilty when I just eat normally. It makes me angry at myself because I know it's ridiculous and it's JUST food.

Muscle Memory

2008-09-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

You know the motion where you're cooking and you need to cradle your cordless phone against your shoulder and ear? That would be impossible for me right now -- as is fully looking over my left shoulder or completely over my right.

It came out of nowhere, seemingly unrelated to any one event -- nordik trak and some weights Friday -- but then on Sunday evening BAM.

Interesting that it happened after three events where I held every muscle in my body with tension --- first with seeing my mother on Friday, then seeing an ex of mine on Saturday (who is still within G's circle of friends who I see rarely and with whom socialization is a strange proposition-- G clamming up and refusing to be in the same room or to sit anywhere near me -- which initiates long conversations later on how could I have ever dated him...a long story in and of itself.) Oh and then we saw X at hockey on Sunday.

I hold it all in my shoulder muscles.

"Do you lift" asked the massage therapist at the gym, my 65 year old Greek friend had hailed her and nearly placed the poor girl's hands on my sweaty shoulder. I had been running a ten minute pace on the treadmill -- downhill which is the only way I can run that fast.

"No, I mean, well I do a lot of upper body exercises but I just had this suddenly"

"Oh" she says "do you feel that click" and I do, a kind of gravelly working of tissue "that means this has been tight like this for a long time."

She clearly has no idea.

As I've mentioned before I've never actually shelled out money for a massage -- well, only once and the guy turned out, literally, to be a criminal.

Any suggestions for stretching this gently?

So Far...

2008-09-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

W and I making pizza...

Let's be clear: I like food purely in the sense of a full enjoyment of life and a life of black and white 'food as fuel' concept depresses me. When I went up to the UP for Labor Day one of our good friends is a competitive body-builder -- and started at 37 -- she must be about 44 now -- and she's in knife-blade sharp shape...and as she was explaining you just need to automate your food, eat protein, think of it as fuel. She talked about how hard it was when you were married because you inclined to want to cook which screw up that whole concept.

Um yeah, cooking is connection for me -- nurturance and calming -- joyful and expression. I can't imagine not cooking.

I am willing to have a few more curves if I can keep enjoying my food -- as long as I exercise -- that's the deal I made with myself. On the days I exercise less -- I eat less and restrict -- and on normal exercise days I splurge a little.

I haven't stepped back on the scale yet but I will probably do that this week sometime. On the exercise front I've gone to the next level of exertion on the bike -- realizing that I wasn't working hard enough before -- I keep my heart rate in the 130's now instead of 115's . I was just reading again about how sprints are more effective overall than a moderately paced long time -- so I would be better off spending twenty minutes hauling ass than 45 working at a 6 out of 10 pace.

So. How bored are you? Right now I'm recovering from a neck strain -- no idea how I got it -- thought I was fine with the nordik trak & yoga last week but at the latter part of Sunday I suddenly couldn't hardly look left or right -- I attributed it to stress....seeing X, my ex, and my mother -- all in a matter of a few days.

The Cloister

2008-09-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

The Cloister
- William Matthews

The last light of a July evening drained
into the streets below. My love and I had hard
things to say and hear and we sat over
wine, faltering, picking our words carefully.

The afternoon before I had lain across
my bed and my cat leapt up to lie
alongside me, purring and slowly
growing dozy. By this ritual I can

clear some clutter from my baroque brain.
And into that brief vacancy the image
of a horse cantered, coming straight to me,
and I knew it brought hard talk and hurt

and fear. How did we do? A medium job,
which is well above average. But because
she had opened her heart to me as far
as she did, I saw her fierce privacy,

like a gnarled, luxuriant tree all hung
with disappointments, and I knew
that to love her I must love the tree
and the nothing it cares for me.

***

I transcribed that poem out of The New Yorker probably, oh, about ten years ago now. I was living in the bottom floor of a house on Crosby Street, the ceilings heart-breakingly high, the bay window, the living room a shocking pink, the dining room a teal blue, all of which seemed to match the woven navajo rug I had, the painting my best friend had done, the bowls of found rocks, scrolls of birch bark, stacks of books.

I cut it out and kept it with me tucked into journals, day planners, old photos, a shoebox of odds and ends as I moved from Crosby to Front Street, from the high plains to the glacial plains. I kept it because I identified with it. I had a tree too and I wasn't certain anyone would ever love it.

I am blessed with my love G and his son W -- but I know too that the one who needed to love that gnarled and luxuriant tree -- was me -- no matter what my mother said, or my brother, or some college kid yelling out the window off of Broadway in Boulder -- it was me.

I had to love myself.

Note to Self

2008-08-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

There's nothing wrong with curves.

Blood Work

2008-08-28T06:25:00.001-07:00

All in all I'm fairly proud of my results:

HDL:80
LDL 94
Trigylceride: 40

Total Cholesterol 182

Glucose is 81

The doctor who made such snap judgements about me by looking on the BMI grid and hardly looking up to look at me will, no doubt, be surprised.

I did get up this morning at 7:15 to exercise -- upped my level on the strength intervals on the bike -- at level 8 now -- trying to keep my heart rate in the high 120's or more.

I read again about the benefits of speed training and next week when W is back to school I plan on trying some speed work -- probably on the elliptical first --

Up north I ran just over three miles on a country road -- rolling hills and farms as the backdrop -- I figured out that I really prefer relatively steep inclines and descents -- must be my years in the mountains...it seems easier on my body -- even when the uphill is really hard. I find it exhilarating in a way that regular flat-land running doesn't ' do for me.

My body, in a bizarre twist of fate, seems to delivering the only 'normal' cycle -- perhaps even a bit short of 28 days -- that I've had in a few years. No idea why. Thoughts of trying to conceive are very much on the back burner right now.

Health first -- baby second.

Slippery Slope

2008-08-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

How could my self esteem be so fragile -- this issue so close to the surface that one person -- a person who doesn't ask in-depth questions mind you, a person who is looking at a grid and at numbers alone -- could wreck me so?

I had some very very negative talk today -- disturbing, really -- given how fairly even keel I've been.

I would be lying to you if I didn't say I'm concerned. I keep telling myself that since I know my history with disorder -- and G knows, and I'm aware of things...that I have a handle on it. Suddenly all thoughts of conception are wiped completely out of my head and replaced with this. Crowded out.

I had been relinquishing that tight-fisted grip on all the restrictions, all the rules with food -- for years. Not weighing myself, not measuring, not writing in a food diary -- and while I couldn't keep my brain from tallying up the calories somewhere in my brain -- it was just a little whisper, and one to which I paid little attention.

It's roaring now. I need to get a handle on this, but how? I am hoping that doctor #2 tomorrow is better. Send out a little thought to the universe will you? A small thing, I know, all of this -- and yet, in my heart, it looms so terribly large.

Sunshine, Storms

2008-08-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to switch it up with my old friend the Nordik Trak -- sure there have been months where it has served its normal purpose: clothes hanger... but every once in a while I remember that I enjoy the damned machine and I use it. I then have the feeling of accomplishment thinking back to the very first time I stepped foot on one and thought "no F*&(%ing way" will I ever figure this out...but I did.

I biked too and then did a series of supersets from a 2007 Women's Health magazine -- squats mostly, some stair-stepping and woodchopping sorts of moves...exercise ball things where you roll up the ball from your shins to your toes from a plank position...lots of yoga type moves with weights -- half moon, but with weights, that move where you go from plank to stacking one ankle on top of the other, opening up your body and reaching your opposing hand to the sky -- forming a 't'. It was interesting because it called for low reps (4) and 3 0r 4 sets... some were combined in supersets meant to go from one set of exercises to the other without rest -- say going from a single dumbbell overhead squat to the 'T' push up.

I feel good physically but its been a hard week emotionally. Things are tense with W and when that happens it upsets the whole familial balance -- G is tense and then we are all unhappy. If could just find a way to ignore W's behavior when it borders on the disrespectful, or if I could snap out of it once its passed -- like enjoying the sunshine after the storm.

I'm in Love

2008-08-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is my new running shoe. Not only does it have a little nike-tracker device w/nano (courtesy of my 36th birthday) BUT it's revolutionized the experience of running and what I thought were my old knees -- but maybe was just my sucky old shoes.

I ran four miles yesterday -- happily -- though Lucy took many opportunities to sniff the new terrain -- we haven't gotten into a dog/human running groove yet -- she still feels as if this is an event for her to catch up with all the smells...I have a feeling that I should walk her in the morning and run with her in the evening -- maybe she'll be less obsessed with the sniffing.

Maybe?

I also biked for 45 minutes in my heartzone -- I have absolutely no idea why my body is being so stubborn in refusing to acknowledge all my cardio work. I'm going to do yoga and bike a little today -- I might try to convince G to hit the tennis ball around when he gets home --either that or swimming. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- I don't feel that I overeat -- if anything I tend to not eat as much as I probably should -- breakfast, snack, lunch snack...here it is nearly 11am and I've only had coffee --

I am trying to resign myself to the fact that my body needs significant resistance training to reshape itself. I'm trying to be gentle and focus on health, moderation, reasonable goals -- (for us trying to get in good pre-baby -- pre-ivf shape).

I would never be as hard on anyone else as I am on myself.

One of Those Days

2008-07-23T07:18:00.001-07:00

Perhaps I shouldn't have looked through my old photos yesterday -- I have yet to get on the bike today -- the dog's curled up on the couch and I'm watching Mr.Mom while our houseguest sleeps upstairs. Have you ever had one of those days?
I need to clean the refrigerator.
I'm not pregnant again, though of course by now we don't hope for the miracle.
The cat refuses to follow proper decorum by using the properly allocated places in the basement
The dishwasher is not draining
The housework is out of control
I haven't been writing though I knew that this month would be out
I wonder if having stopped the supplements for a few days -- is the dip in mood just the normal cycle of things or is it related to the supplements?
X.called this morning and chatted on with G for 10 minutes, making minute changes to the schedule, yammering on about her life. I wondered what a life that belonged to us alone would feel like -- a life without her in it.
So here I sit imagining a childless life in a messy house.
It's just one of those days when I should have climbed on the bike without thinking about things too much.
Bah.

On the Road Again

2008-07-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

I officially ran with Lucy yesterday -- well, okay -- she had about a gallon of water beforehand -- you know like the Gary Larsen cartoon where the male dog is caught with the hose in his mouth and the female dog, apron on, hands on hips in the doorway "Where the hell do you think you're going"...(which always makes me laugh)... and so it wasn't so much as a run as a run/grind to a complete halt with the dog. Run etc. I did make the observation that my heart rate is around 165 when I run -- much higher than my heartrate biking at home (while it makes me sweat, I never seem to get much out of the 130's).

I try not to make the comparison game in my head concerning how running used to feel when I was lighter and running regularly -- just the feeling of being fast...I liked being on the road again but I am super cautious about my knees these days so I'm waiting to see how I feel and not jumping too far into it too soon -- therefore it was 45 minutes on the bike while watching Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer.

I noted a few things about my 15 year old guest -- that while she is fifteen and all that entails -- the natural curves and a body she doesn't quite know what to do with yet...when she did yoga with me she was having a hard time keeping up -- and thought it was hard...and she also had a hard time on the machines at the gym while I just sailed along -- so I may take up more space than I used to clothes-wise and things -- I'm not as lean as I'd like and a bit more buoyant in the water...I'm still in good physical shape for the most part.

The missing piece here is meditation and stress relief --there's no mystery as to why all the weight, or much of it, has shifted to my mid-section -- isn't that a stress issue? I'm all muscle, its just that I also have this layer of padding I'd like to shed.

We went to a river town where they rock climb the bluffs -- and the chalked crevices, the ropes and the dogs on leashes, the non-climbers and non belay-slaves sprawled out on the the grass looking up -- and I was brought so powerfully back to college -- and I thought to myself that I wanted that back -- I wanted to be able to climb again.

My period has come, which is really no surprise, but bright spotting the last few days -- and I don't even fool myself into thinking its anything other than what it is -- another cycle gone.

I'm no closer to knowing what I want to do -- somedays I can make the great arguments for free time to write and immerse myself in my creative life -- to be in my body and dedicate my time to its health --physically, spiritually, intellectually... to take care of me -- things I didn't really know how to do when I was younger --

and then I think about having a child and wonder if I have the resources to bring to the table...trying to untangle the fear and the hesitance behind moving towards IVF.

Recumbent Bike

2008-07-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm in a sort of exercise rut -- I sit on my bike for 45 mn to an hour with my heart rate between 120 and 150 usually -- I would like to add in a bit of yoga too. If I could drag my ass out of bed early early I could:

write first.

exercise later -- but seeing as how I need at least two hours to write and an hour and a half to two hours for gentle yoga and a bike session...I think that means I'd have to get up at six a.m.

Perhaps I'll try that tomorrow -- on the W weeks its not hard because we're up pretty early anyway -- 6:30 -- but on the weeks when he's not here G walks out of the bedroom at seven and I laze around until 8 -- our at least have done so the last few days -- with only the tiniest shred of guilt.

I got a new Ipod Nano and Nike shoe thingie for my birthday but haven't set it up yet -- it waits until August when our houseguest has gone and my weeks off are my own again. I keep telling myself that this isn't about 'having to' -- but about making myself feel better -- and its not about overdoing it -- the other day I was on the bike for 45 minutes -- and then decided to watch an old Soprano's episode. When I hit an hour and twenty minutes on the bike I made myself get off. I don't want to overexercise -- for a number of reasons -- trying to remain balanced in my attitude toward exercise --and fear of injury.

I realized, of course, that part of this re-emerging food/exercise struggle is most likely a result of my having resigned my teaching position -- it was the one corner of my life which was solely mine and under my control -- not that my writing career isn't -- but it's so new and right now seems like a pipe dream -- but here I am -- I love my marriage and my home -- but having given up the position as an earner in the home pushes all these buttons for me and I'm sure I feel as if I have given up control -- and therefore it comes back with a vengeance in other ways -- I do have control, by the way, there's never any issue of how I spend our money -- or any doubt that it is 'ours'. I have control over the running of our house completely (though with dubious success). This transition, coupled with the lack of control over my fertility -- or what I perceive as my lack of control -- well its no wonder the issues with control and order over food etc. is rearing its ugly head.

The "Fish" Journal

2008-07-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have this journal from 2001. It has rainbow trout on the cover -- swimming among a field of blue with what look like pink peonies. Each lined page has a trout at the beginning and end of each page -- and at the top of one I've created a thought bubble for the fish and it reads: "thank god I'm a fish and don't havethighs". I haven't been able to throw it out. It isn't the only journal -- I have had these in one form or another for 23 years now. Twenty-three years I've been locked in this battle with my body -- sometimes the fighting is fierce, sometimes there's a negotiated peace -- silent -- for years even. What is in the journal you ask? Measurements -- of food and body -- calculations divisible into 3500 -- workout schedules. In 2001 I measured my biceps (11) and bust (36), my waist (28.5), my hipbones (38), my butt(44) , my upper thigh (25.5), above my knee (17.%). I decided I was out of shape,unhappy with myself --having moved back to Minnesota and feeling isolated. I began to workout -- for years my workouts continued as I manipulated what I ate, as my anxiety increased and I had trouble sleeping, trouble swallowing. I didn't want to leave my apartment unless absolutely necessary. I didn't realize it was the anxiety.On a flight to Florida in March of 2002 I white-knuckled the entire way. The next year, after traveling to Colombia to see my brother -- I had found a therapist -- and yet I continued the obsessive chronicling.My waist measured 25 inches, my rear end 38.5, my thighs 23.I still thought I was fat.

I started dating G, continued yoga and therapy. I tamed my anxiety and continued exercising....and suddenly I wasn't really paying attention to what I ate -- I was just eating. I still agonized over it -- felt guilty for it -- and then steadily my life went on. I stopped exercising so obsessively -- and then when W was small, not much at all because the time I normally allocated for exercise was time I chose to spend with G & W -- working full-time, and then exercise was three times a week -- or a walk with the dog. I outgrew my 'skinny' clothes, but I was okay with my fuller shape - mostly.

Then, I began fertility treatments. It isn't just the weight but the feeling that things are imbalanced.

I struggle with remembering the intoxicating high I'd get when I didn't eat enough -- the feeling of being cleansed -- the pride in my accomplishment -- the self-control.

I put away the journals and the measuring tape -- but every once in awhile I would pull them out and jot things down -- in the middle of the day I might still rip out a corner of a subscription slip in a magazine to catalog what I'd eaten that day...when I read the health tips for weight loss 'keep track of what you eat' -- I laugh to think that people don't do that -- don't you have a running ticker in your head that tallies up all the calories in every thing you eat?

I understand this is unhealthy. I am trying to be gentle on myself while finding a way to find peace. I'm hoping this blog will serve as a kind of therapy without devolving into a running tally of calories consumed and burned. I want to live with this -- and eventually move past it, somehow. I want to focus on health.

I'm Back - Yet Again

2008-06-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

So -- treatment rounds three and four didn't work -- and so I've had two more months of interrupted exercise and 'moderation' -- and don't forget the hormones -- yes, the hormones...and the drugs. I feel awful. My body feels heavy and bloated -- I lack energy. I'm taking time off -- again - this time to decide if it's for good.

I'm trying to be sensible with meals and truly, I don't feel as if I am eating inordinate amounts of sweets -- not like I'm having full-fat ice cream every day -- though I do take half and half in my coffee -- I have been limiting my portions of what seemed sensible already -- and yet I have to be 20 lbs, at the very least, heavier than the high end of my normal range. What the hell is going on.

I thought the RE checked my thyroid -- I would assume so -- and nothing in my blood tests seemed out of whack. I hate the thought that in order to be 'thin' again I will have to starve myself as I did before and exercise for over an hour every day.

I'm beginning to think that is what my body would need to get back there -- and it makes me angry at myself for -- for what? Eating without guilt?

God, this is awful. I want to be free of this ever-present struggle. I keep thinking that if I can make peace with infertility maybe I can make peace with my body -- as I did when I lived in Montana and I had finally made peace with my family history -- I felt in balance then -- and somehow I need to find that balance again.

I need need need to get back to yoga.

I was going to post a full body picture for accountability since I absolutely refuse to step on a scale -- but I couldn't do it. I hate the pictures so much I can't do it.

Today isn't a good day in the body wars.(Interior voice: how can you make peace Pam when you use metaphors of war...)

*sigh*

Walk the Dog

2008-05-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

My heart rate monitor works even when walking the dog -- which is as vigorous as it got today -- 40 minutes of dog walking burns about 220 calories -- I have a wicked chest cold and have been sidelined yet again by fertility treatments but have promised myself that this time I won't completely abandon my physical self -- I will still workout -- perhaps it will be a bit different, maybe I have to lessen the intensity -- but I won't just stop -- after we somehow continued the race when we were a people who did arduous physical work, climbing over hill and dale right?

Taking it SLOWLY

2008-05-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

The fertility medications/IUI etc. necessitates my slowing down with the exercise -- keeping my heart rate no higher than 120 for instance...which seems sort of, well, lame.

I was having a great time with the new regime of kickboxing/treadmill hiking but I have competing interests here -- each taking me in opposite directions.

Option A) The illusion that I'm exerting control over my body

Option B) Relinquishing control.

I had the tiniest moment yesterday -- like the seedlings I see on my walk with Lucy -- pushing up through the tarmac laid over the dirt...seedlings buckling the tarmac...amazing really when you think of it...I had that same glimmering of tiny feelings of peace with my body -- and this is after NOT regulating every bit of food into my mouth (and in fact after eating potato chips & mnm's on the same day :) ) -- just this fleeting sense of letting go -- but not in a defeatist sense.

The rest of me thought this was a terrible idea and began to panic...but I remember how wonderful it felt.

Dog Walk

2008-05-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

The femara has made me kind of uncomfortable in terms of vigorous aerobic twisting...this is the downside of fertility treatments and exercise. I probably COULD have done something more intense today -- I simply chose not to. Oh and there's the whole idea of ovarian 'torsion' that freaks me out... not that I really have anything to worry about on a drug like Femara -- but my abdomen is still tender and mildly swollen, prone to the occasional sharp pain.

Perhaps the bike while watching The Tudors OnDemand.

After dog walking, homeopath appt., grocery shopping, dog food shopping, talking with my MIL and now putzing online for an hour.

Life is good.

Kickboxing Ahoy

2008-05-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

I did yoga yesterday(which is challenging again -- not endurance-wise so much as flexibility in the shoulders-wise) along with a brief treadmill hike...and today I promised my neighbor (the most energetic 62 year old I know) that I would meet her at kickboxing.

There's some question, after my RE appointment, as to whether my fertility issues are related to a broader metabolic condition -- the good news is that I've always -- at least fairly consistently for the last 15 years -- been good about incorporating exercise into my lifestyle -- with ebbs and flows certainly -- but never cutting it out altogether -- too with healthy eating -- (though no stranger to the occasional doughnut or cheesecake) and moderation -- which perhaps have staved off the other manifestations of this condition (high bp, high cholesterol, insulin resistance, diabetes) -- though I am going to try to really pay attention to how I eat -- modifying the sugars and trying to avoid blood sugar spikes.

I won't really know more until they do a full blood work up on me -- which is happening next week.

The upshot of this is that they've given me a cycle of Femara, which mucks with your estrogen and nudges your ovaries into overdrive -- in the hopes that I will ovulate which, apparently, I haven't been doing (who knew?). It is considered more of a kind of trial month to monitor my body and my responses so the doctor can have a clearer idea about how to proceed with IVF -- my age, our timeline, our years trying -- all adding up to the highest chances of success with IVF.

She did say I can continue to do everything I've been doing exercise-wise -- at least right now -- and as the protocol changes or whatever I will just check in with her as to what I need to modify etc.

Simulaclimb

2008-04-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have now discovered a new workout -- 25 minutes at the highest incline the treadmill will go -- a brisk hike -- and then running for 15 mn at the lowest sub-incline.

If I could have put myself in a trance I could've pretended I was somewhere pretty. I miss hiking.

A lot.

I followed up with twenty minutes on the not quite stair thing while chatting with B...and then the gravitron pull-up machine --and I only managed about 8 full sit-ups with the incline bench -- hoping no one was looking -- which, I'm sure, they weren't.

I have my appointment with the RE today -- investigating our options for InVitro Fertilization -- it makes me nervous on all kinds of levels. I don't want to give up exercise, though of course I'm willing to modify -- and I know that in 'normal' pregnancies you don't really have to stop exercising -- quite the contrary -- but what about women like me who have tried for so long to get pregnant without luck -- and then seek out assisted reproductive techniques?

What do we do?

That's one of my questions for her today. I made the mistake of looking at old photos -- comparing and despairing yet again. It sounds strange but 30 and 35 made a huge difference for me.

Why am I so hard on myself? I would never be as hard on another woman as I am on myself. Never.

Yet again, trying to age gracefully. Trying.

Angle of Repose

2008-04-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've realized something.

When you are carrying twenty pounds more than you'd like (no matter what other people may say, kind friends) camera angles make a huge difference.

I went to -- what for me is a particular circle of hell -- the mall circle of hell...to buy a new, fancy, shiny, apple laptop. It is G's gift to me from last year(June) and we've been dragging our feet and rearranging our finances -- and it, of course, seems like the last thing I should do when I say, oh I don't know, am planning on LEAVING MY JOB.

I tell myself that it is because I am embarking upon this writing career finally -- and this is a gift. A gift of a new career, a new beginning.

It has taken me days to get up the gumption to GET to the store let alone buy anything.

And I didn't, not yet...but while he was showing me all the incredibly cool things this thing can do (and I'm a sucker for all that media crap) he turns on the video function.

Let's say that three feet below you on a table shooting up at your chin(s) is not a good look. There I was...hair frizzy from the rain...just awful. Ick.

And I had been so proud of my recent conquering of self-doubt and demons. Fucking apple. They should do a training -- okay guys when you are selling a computer to a woman in her mid-to-late thirties -- do not, I repeat, do not turn on the video function.

The tailspin will take her days to recover and she might decide she can't have a computer with video on it until she loses 20 pounds, which is really like saying, mnn I don't know, forever.

Huh.

2008-04-23T10:02:00.001-07:00

So there I was on the treadmill after chatting for 20 minutes or so on the bike with B. Her trainer comes and so I switch back to the treadmill -- trying to approximate a hike -- which means I put the treadmill on 15 incline...and then go back and forth 12. 10. speeds between 2.6 and a brisk walk -- keeping my heart rate in the 140's which is still a rate at which I could talk, more or less comfortably. I try to mumble under my breath, having an imaginary conversation with someone to make sure. I'm confused because the machine claims that for my age I'm beyond my cardio intensity threshold...and I feel fine.

I guess I haven't quite figured out where I need to be.

At any rate I see this woman working out who is very tan. Sculpted arms. I see her from the back on a machine and I think it's the kind of tan you don't see anymore -- a serious deep brown "I've devoted a lot of time to this" tan -- and, I'm sorry for this next comment, but she has tremendous breasts in proportion to her body -- showcased in only a sports bra -- which is strange attire for this women's only gym...and she's in great shape, don't get me wrong -- thin and muscular -- but here's the shocker. She's late 50's if she's a day. I am NOT kidding you.

It was shocking. Her hair was colored brown, of course, and her workout clothes and body could've been 25 -- my brain kept reeling --trying to make sense of it. My only thought was "huh". This is what we've come to in our society. We are so fearful of aging that we do everything humanly possible to mask it.

It was unsettling. Why? Why be unfair to this woman who, though I suspect she's had the help of certain doctors here and there -- clearly works VERY hard to keep her body as it is. She was a living testament to the shrine of the body.

For some reason it got me thinking about my obsessive workout days -- the low calorie, running and going to the gym for 45 minutes and maybe doing an hour of yoga -- and how I'd be pumping away at the elliptical and think to myself 'jeez, that woman over there looks really thin...and I've seen her every day that I've been here --shouldn't someone intervene...I mean, she clearly has something going on..." and yet I was there every day to see her.

Staying off the scale hasn't been difficult -- in part because it's so depressing for me to get ON it...and I still find the temptation to write down every little thing I eat. I keep my old exercise and food journals -- open to a page where I've made a little thought bubble above the outline of the trout at the top of the page and I've written "one thing that's good about being a fish -- at least I don't have thighs"

I can't bring myself to throw them out -- or the measurements I kept every month for three years. I think about them. I break down sometimes and measure myself -- but I refuse to log them into a book -- oh, okay -- I write them DOWN but never transfer them into the book...I've, so far, kept myself from the comparing...the judging, the berating.

But it is a struggle every day -- and so second nature that I barely even recognize it any more.

Resting

2008-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

I walked/ran the dog -- she's very prancy and loved it -- she seemed to think I was a bit lazy.

We had some minor financial b.s. with some inexplicable charges on our charge card -- it sucked all the wind out of my sails for a new computer...which we've been contemplating for a few years now...but I just can't bring myself to pony up the cash. I've decided that until I can actually write something for money -- (not that I don't love you all) I don't need a laptop. For what we do this old workhorse is fine....slow, but fine.

I have small errandy things to do today and plan to try to do yoga in the hour before W & G get home.

I read an interesting article in the new SELF magazine, the one with Jennifer Garner on the cover --the article was about the millions of women who live in that in between world -- not 'officially' an eating disorder -- but 'disordered eating' - which, of course, means me.

I hate that there has never been a time that I remember where thoughts of food and vigilance about my body didn't control me. I truly want to be free of it I just don't know how to do it.

*sigh*

Hiking the Treadmill

2008-04-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying my brisk walk at about a 9.0 incline -- thinking how strange that ten years ago I was doing a daily walk up the side of a mountain and now I'm hiking on a treadmill tucked into a strip mall with an Old Country Buffet.

Ten minutes later my greek neighbor came in and asked if we could switch to the 'not quite elliptical but newer and bouncier' machine. It never reads my heart rate right and so I'm trying to focus on working out, talking to her, and taking my heart rate manually. I always find myself looking at women at the gym -- not in a bad way, but taking it all in -- the damp spot of sweat on that woman's lower back, the woman with the nicely shaped eyebrows and the bob, the woman in matching workout clothes and a personal trainer. It always seems so strange to me -- gathering in these public places indoors to move our bodies. I get into a kind of groove and sweat -- in the high 140's hr -- it feels good.

Driving home I think of the last few weeks and my terrible toothache and the root canal and how it's as if it never happened -- and I'm back to taking my teeth for granted -- the painlessness of it all.

I send up a silent prayer in thanks. Thank you for my health. I am so grateful to live every day pain free, able to move my body. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Dubious Progress

2008-04-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

I thought it significant that I ate only the regular hot dog at the hockey game -- rather than the 'wild dog' -- something considerably bigger than a foot-long.

My husband thinks it's crazy -- but I know it's for me -- the fat-free half and half (ugh), the giving up caffeine (more fertility than health related)...the protein heavy, yet miniscule meals devoid of any rich dairy products (read:cheese) that I really love.

Tomorrow I plan on returning to yoga -- a little time of my own -- while G & W are running around doing whatever. For today I still find myself not quite at peace -- tugging at my shirt anytime I pass a mirror.

I just have to remember it's the littlest things -- taking care of yourself -- and it doesn't have to translate into "skinny" -- though I'm really confused as to why -- with all that I do -- and feel I'm doing right -- why I'm not seeing the results I'd like to.

Update

2008-04-17T13:39:00.001-07:00

45 minutes on the bouncing not-quite-elliptical -- what exactly is this thing anyway machine...it adjusts to your stride -- either like a stair-machine or like running -- my heartrate is never right on those hand-held things so I have to remember to bring my heart-rate monitor.

I spent the hour with my neighbor and her trainer -- which was interesting - some functional exercises with an exercise ball -- pilates type sit-ups and twisting with the ball -- we also did some crunches on the Bosu (um, hard) and v-sits (um, still hard) -- all good things that I could probably do on my own.

Overall I feel good though my right knee ached a little from the machine.

Push Ups

2008-04-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

I am now able to at least do two full sets of girlie push-ups. Ya gotta start somewhere -- and though I can cast back to a time of three full sets of regular push-ups I can't get stuck there and I have to just acknowledge that I am where I am and move forward.

I'm going to horn in on my neighbor's personal training session -- for free...why not, perhaps I'll learn something though personal training is not within my allotted budget.

I know that I need to actually work myself harder and the only times I really do that is in a group fitness class -- I don't really get to that point on my own --whatever I seem to do...though swimming seemed good I still tend to take breaks and get lazy.

Here is where I stop to amend my previous statement an tell myself to be gentle with myself. Old habits are hard to break.

Day Off

2008-04-16T10:24:00.001-07:00

But I am taking the stairs two at a time while I put away the stacks and stacks of laundry I've kept in the laundry room since January...

Swimming Again

2008-04-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have a few observations:

1. I am more buoyant than I was when I last swam regularly. That was disconcerting.

2. I can still swim easily and enjoy it.

3. With the exception of my weak flutter kick -- which is still weak. I remember once when I was swimming at the pool in Missoula and some guy commented on how I needed to 'unlock' my hips -- not big on unsolicited advice and not a little creeped out I avoided that time slot thereafter...HOWEVER it's true that my flutter kick is a weak point and that when I did yoga for a while it helped both my running stride and my swimming.

4. I hate my body -- STILL. I should be proud that I can swim 1800 meters -- regardless of how LONG it takes me...but evidently I'm going to be fit and fat.

2500 M breaststroke
2500 M kicking -- alternating with flutter/breaststroke kick -- but mostly breaststroke kick as I hate the flutter kick
2500 M freestyle
2500 M kicking
2500 M breaststroke
2500 M kicking
2500 M freestyle with last few laps breaststroke

It took me about twice as long as the average bear -- trying for 20-30 mn and I think I was at least 45 minutes.

So. I guess I'm unhappy with myself -- both for sucking -- but then too for not being pleased enough with what I did do for how long its been since I've been regularly out of the pool (five years).

Gymward Bound

2008-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right -- back to the gym. I was working with inclines on the treadmill -- it actually made my ankles fatigue in a way I don't recall happening before -- I think that I needed to warm up more than I did.

I biked more at home and what of the pool you ask?

That's a very good question.

Ask me again on Wednesday.

I think spring has finally arrived here -- and none too soon because treadmill running is driving me a little crazy -- AND my equilibrium is always a little off when it stops -- as if the whole world is still moving.

On the Road Again

2008-04-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

Hooray -- the first road-run of the year -- and yes it took THIS long in the season for the thaw to actually arrive -- and yes more intrepid sorts are out there in ice and snow and sub-zero temps -- but since I'm getting back into the groove I chose to wait.

The root canal and dental nightmares kept me off-balance -- both nutritionally and physically -- so now it's a matter of just getting back into a steady routine rather than weight lifting routines in my basement and half-hearted sessions on my recumbent bike.

The good news is that I have, apparently according to my measurements, returned to the pre-wedding state...not to be confused with pre-dating state -- which is another 2 inches in the bust & waist and 4 in the hind-quarters. I refuse to step on the scale because it sends me into a food vigilance spiral -- and so measurements it is.

Exercise, for me, is truly a mental health tool -- it is my anti-depressant and I need it - but I wonder sometimes about my constant worry over food. It truly seems like I will never be free from it but will always have to manage it. I wish I could get to a place where it just wasn't a factor -- where I didn't worry, didn't obsess. It takes far too much energy.

Root Canal Sidetracks Wordgirl -- for now

2008-04-03T13:15:00.001-07:00

While I can, theoretically, still exercise -- I am taking a few days here to allow the pounding in my upper right palate to cease.

Good times, good times.

Earlier in the week the dog and I did a short run -- good on all counts. I also went to the pool -- oh sure, it was just to clean out my locker before they do the remodel of the locker-rooms...

next time I will actually swim. Which reminds me the NYT's today had reviews of mp3 players (they suggest the Finis Swimp3 V.2 you can swim with --how cool is that? I used to have a radio that clipped to my suit and I thought that was, as G would say, the cat's ass...but an mp3 player?

Unfortunately the cost of the root canal has sidelined any Cool Things to Make Wordgirl Feel Pretty and/or Happy.

Bummer.

Still in the Game

2008-03-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

I am still in the exercise/training game -- albeit I had a few weeks hiatus there -- though skiing was great exercise there was little formal 'exercise' and too much road food.

However -- I am home now and trying to get back into some kind of routine. I ran yesterday (looking forward to the thaw when I can really get out there) been biking and doing weights. I am trying now to cut my cardio into two 30 minute blocks with weights in between.

Funny little anecdote -- I can be, especially if under stress, prone to hypochondria of the mildest variation...you know 'oh my god what if I...'

Yesterday I was doing something and I bent over funny and extended my arm and was alarmed to see a 'dent' in my upper arm. Oh my god...what if I...

Have triceps? That was muscle definition Pam -- has it been so long?

I am such a dork --but it's nice to see some actual progress -- esp upper-body wise.

Yoga

2008-03-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

Don't let the turban intimidate you -- this is a terrific yoga practice.

This is the tape I use -- it is now out on DVD which is convenient -- however my old tv/vhs player is in my exercise room along with lots of detritus from the rest of the house that washes up there -- my intent is to get to goodwill or recycle it or something...but no, it ends up in the 'yoga room' -- which is a very generous and calming term for a beautifully pergo'ed room, with dark wood panelling, a truly awful attached water closet of a 70's bathroom, and a closet filled with books, old journals, back issues of yoga magazine, family photo albums, old clothes I never wear, a Guatemalan backpack from 1988...etc. that I intended to turn into my very own writing nook at some point. Hmn. What am I doing with my leave besides blogging and fretting and exercising? I'll get back to you later with that answer.

I had forgotten how much I enjoyed this yoga -- it's not like hatha yoga -- the postures which most people are familiar with -- the sun salutation and all that -- this is much more like...mnnn...ecstatic dancing or something...lots of just all out free form movement with your body...stretching, meditation, chanting. I really enjoy it and it's just the rest I needed --but with energy attached.

My shoulder girdle remains very tight -- I would like to work on my shoulder flexibility...I'm taking a break from kickboxing this week -- so into the weekend....

Tabata

2008-03-06T11:06:00.001-08:00

So.

Yesterday I tried the Tabata deal -- I would do intervals -- 40 seconds all out with 20 second rests -- kicking my bike back and forth between level 1 & 16 -- it reminds me of intervals I used to do on the nordic trak way back when...and my legs are fatigued today -- even with the short time that I did them -- and I can see why they recommend to be careful if you have any injuries -- my tendons on my left Achilles had been annoying -- and that maybe was a little much for them. I took a total rest today and did arms only (this time a new fitness trainer came to my house...oh sure he was two-dimensional) -- I may do a little Kundalini yoga but no down dogs -- my right shoulder is a bit sore -- and don't want to overdo it.

This is my tendency -- all is going well and I just want to go faster, do more...and I have to remind myself that it is just as important to SLOW it down, rest my muscles, recover.

And not eat so many All-About Girl Scout Cookies...mnnn taaaaaaaaaaasty.

Fitness TV

2008-03-04T12:22:00.001-08:00

I'm totally in on a weight trainer in my living room -- oh sure she's two dimensional...but her routines were better than than the woman at the gym AND I don't have to leave my house -- handy for days like this which are filled with just enough craziness that I can't get anything meaningful done. Except workout.

Tried a different approach with the cycling -- instead of increasing resistance I was just focusing on keeping it above 90 rpm's --

There was an article in the magazine circulated by my gym about this Tabata method -- has anyone tried this?

On to a completely different subject -- girl scout cookies are in the house -- the only way that I can keep it under control is to allow myself a single portion -- to set it aside at the beginning of the day -- and know it's part of the whole day's caloric picture...if I try to gut it out I will eat the entire sleeve of thin mints.

Thin mints -- ironic, no?

Petechia??

2008-02-29T19:27:00.000-08:00

So -- has anyone ever developed a small red dot beneath your eyes after truly pushing your aerobic threshold?

I hate google. Pam you DO not have ebola virus.

I could go on and on.

Unknown tiny blood-blister type thing beneath my eye after exercise...huh. Is that a sign that kick boxing kicked me TOO much?

Kicked My Own Ass

2008-02-29T13:08:00.001-08:00

Well my heart rate monitor indicated that Ms.cute-as-a-bug zero body fat, lithe limbed and almond eyed kickboxing master did indeed take us into zone four.

My lungs are still a little tight (mild exercise athsma & upper respiratory lingering allergy yuck) believe it or not -- a good two hours later.

What I like most about it is the experience -- like dancing used to be which I haven't done for years -- dancing at a club dancing...the music is in your head and you're just moving.

I don't even hate her for being 23 and lovely and unmarred and completely unaware of her beauty.

Hopefully it will continue to get easier -- but I congratulate myself for simply being there -- showing up, doing the best I can...and taking care of myself.

Wee Bit Obsessive

2008-02-28T05:37:00.000-08:00

So.

It was suggested to me that I try to take it easy on the exercise. That I should split it into two sessions of 20 minutes -- because 45 minutes seemed a little taxing. I really like my homeopath (supplementing my traditional approach to years of infertility now) but it gave me pause.

Then, I went home the next day and biked for half and hour...but THEN didn't feel like it was enough so I did the nordictrak for another half an hour. G. and I then walked for an hour while W. had hockey practice -- which was actually quite nice because we chat and hold hands. My achilles on my left foot started to complain at the fast clip we were walking...and it could've been my hiking boots...but then I just thought maybe I should take it down a notch.

My shoulder muscles feel nicely worked from the weight lifting class -- as do my arms. I'd like to go back to that one...and the kickboxing class is on Friday -- whether or not I go to a class today is the question.

I find that it's the lesser of two evils -- if I DON'T work out I obsess wildly about not being able to have a baby...and if I work out I obsess a tiny bit less about it and focus more on my body.

I probably need to go back to work...though I've had the teeniest of mid-life crises about that...thinking that perhaps I am done with teachi.ng com.position. In fact, if I see one more sentence that I have to mark "SF" for sentence fragment I may just curl up and die on the spot.

So, running anyone?

Gym Mouse

2008-02-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

I reject the term 'rat' simply because it implies a seriousness that I don't quite embody -- gym mouse is just my style...I tiptoe into a class and then...what do you know...it's over so quickly -- and I DID it.

If I can't have a baby I am at least going to be a healthy as I can be 36 year old -- damn it. 36. Ouch. Oh I know it's months away, but still.

It appears that I can no longer run a ten minute mile...which, sadly, was as fast as I ever ran -- I used to log about 15-18 miles a week...but I had a hard time today on the treadmill only for about 20 minutes..at a 13 minute mile or so...but I was running comfortably -- not pushing myself or anything -- no need to overdo it -- paying attention to my stride -- trying to minimize the overtraining sesamoid deal I got prior to Christmas from too many vigorous down-dogs & something about how I was pedaling the bike I think.

I then went to a 45 minute weights class -- let me tell you I didn't even use hand weights and we were supposed to do a lunge with our back leg on a step and the front leg on the bosu ball --which for the uninitiated is a half circle of rubbery unstable ball which forces you to stabilize your muscles constantly. I sucked at it. Really. But, like with kickboxing I'm actually enjoying it...and then afterwards I split the last 35 minutes or so between a new stairclimbing machine and the bike.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow. It may be time to swim. (Yea? I was looking forward to it once upon a time...)

Kickboxing

2008-02-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

I had forgotten how FUN kickboxing is -- if I can stop focusing on my negative self-image and enjoy it.

Funny -- the minute I start to "think" about it -- I fuck up the combinations...this is why I could never be on "dancing with the stars" -- oh, that well um, lack of stardom.

Kickboxing was definitely challenging. I'm going to try to add that to the mix.

Fun times, fun times.

Now, if I could just quit the coffee...

Women's Gyms

2008-02-20T05:56:00.001-08:00

I have to say that I really do like the idea of going to a gym where I don't have to fight through the men in the weight room...it is nice just to work out and not feel intimidated or in any way even noticed. Does that make sense?

My legs continue to be strong -- I didn't push myself as hard with the weights as I should have -- rather I stayed right at the doable threshold.

I was saying to my friend that I'm at the strength point now where I could get back to road running -- if it wasn't so blastedly cold -- I mean, 35 below windchill cold.

I have a doctor's appointment in late April. It would be nice to take the weeks in between to really focus on health and fitness so that I can begin whatever treatments with a strong, healthy starting point.

Lazybones

2008-02-19T07:55:00.001-08:00

Step away from the hershey's kisses.

That's right.

Don't you know we're supposed to be training.

Things are a little slow-moving around here due to the natural course of events coupled with a nasty chest cold. This is my second this season -- last being in November. This one (knock on wood) is less severe, but still a bummer. My immune system must be compromised with the emotional stress of ttc.

I'm still managing bicycling but have eased up otherwise.

Today I'm back to the gym for some weight training. I am still in my 'base' training phase and have yet to really polish up on the running and swimming parts.

Trying to be gentle with myself -- knowing that if I push myself too hard I will just stop completely.

Dragging

2008-02-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

I seem to be dragging a bit here. In fact, I should go exercise now -- I'm not sure what this particular block is about because I have felt a curious uptick in energy at points -- and that restlessness to move -- I've even started thinking that I may be at a point to pick back up on road running...I get deadly bored at the gym on the treadmill.

Today I will nordic-trak -- trying to mix it up a little. I did arms yesterday so I believe that means I'm back to squats and lunges today.

Not feeling particularly pithy or anything...it's a 'slog through it' kind of day.

Om Om Om Oh my god I have to leave...

2008-02-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

Truly, I have not been avoiding timing myself.

Or, perhaps, I have been.

I seem to be in a cardio rut -- needing to switch it up outside of bicycling -- at the gym tomorrow my neighbor and I will be timing how fast I can run a mile.

45 minutes on the bike -- upped the resistance level and then went to a yoga class at the gym -- which maybe was the worst I'd ever been to. Really. There was a schizophrenic in there. Literally -- and I'm related to one who spent too many years with inadequate meds -- so I recognize the pacing, the abrupt laughter, the muttering.

It was difficult to actually concentrate on 'relaxing' when all my fight and flight responses were telling me to get the hell out of there. My rational mind and my amygdala had a nice little tussle over that

"this is not your aunt"
"run run run run"
"this is just some crazy in your yoga class"
"flight flight flight"
"concentrate on your breath"
"fight fight fight"

So that was nice and relaxing.

Go.ogle M.ap Shocker

2008-02-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

So, my neighbor, over coffee, says to me -- "So, did you know you were on Google Earth"

and I say:

"yeah, but I wish the house had been photographed with the new fence" sipping my high-fat coffee drink with tons of honey (bad). We talk about working out, and motherhood, and our mothers. Jeans. Not writing when we want to. Good stuff. She's a Gemini and shares the birthday of my best friend -- three days before mine, funny how that goes.

"No," she says "you're on google earth -- a picture of you...there I was -- you know on that driving application they have -- you put that little guy on the street, and view the houses from the street view...and I decide to go over to your house...and there you are, in front of your house."

And when I get home, sure enough...Oh MY GOD.

My ass is huge. NO, really. It isn't good. The most unflattering picture of me in the universe and its on goo.gle ma.ps. I'm standing with my mother -- and we deduced it was from July, right about the time we got our roof -- it would be July 2nd, I think.

Really, it was more than a shock -- vanity, I know...it's one thing to hate pictures that someone stages and you have the opportunity to move, get your best side, something....but a surreptitious camera in a moving vehicle...hey, guy...give me some warning so at least I can turn around!

I call G. to tell him..."but" I say, "I look better now, right?" He's busy traveling around the neighborhood seeing whose outside, what's going on.

All I can think is...OMG. I may never eat chocolate again.

Climbing on The Wagon

2008-02-05T04:39:00.000-08:00

Or dangling off of it...

Superbowl and recent emotional events have conspired in the diet portion of the endeavor.

Okay, so for my six small meals yesterday I may or may not have had three small meals of a slice of cold sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion pizza.

I have, however, continued the cardio -- and seeing as how my legs are feeling up to it -- back to lunges today.

I'm actually feeling generally better overall now that I've ramped up the exercise routine -- I wake up and am less achey -- less stiff even.

It's good. I wish it were Spring and I could run outside...oh sure I could do it now but I hate what the cold does to my skin and I'm terrified of landing on a patch of ice and breaking something.

I think that officially makes me an old woman.

Insert Pithy Title Here

2008-02-01T13:34:00.000-08:00

I considered "A Farewell to Arms" -- It was gray and the sun had gone away, but the girl was there and the girl worked out and the girl thought it was a good thing... but nixed it -- there's only so much of a crossover audience for Hemingway and triathlon training. So here's today's info:

45 mn bike in the am zone 3

15 mn elliptical warm up at gym

30 mn weight training session - arms -- this included a lot of adjusting of weights...what do you mean I can't lift that much anymore...can't even BUDGE that anymore???! Tried to do one full set --moved one plate heavier and usually that would mean that my muscles fatigued close to the end of that set...and that I couldn't even finish the third set. Fun. Let's hope my arms are pleasantly worked tomorrow and not immobile.

Chest Press
Seated Row
Shoulder Press
Bicep Curls

I avoided the lat pull down machine and the assisted pull up machine...just couldn't bring myself to go there...my confidence is still a little low...even though I've been familliar with these machines for a good 17 years now -- you'd think a cybex machine wouldn't intimidate me.

Followed by another 20 minutes on the bike -- just to chat with my Greek neighbor who is my workout buddy -- and though she's the age of my mother -- she and I have become good friends -- she' funny, smart, and a great motivator.

On the other hand, I can't decide if sifting through an old shoe box of pictures is motivating or not. Jury's still out on that one.

Random Thought

2008-02-01T05:37:00.001-08:00

It was one thing, when I lived alone, to bar anything vaguely naughty from the house and survive on brown rice, quinoa, yogurt and the occasional pork chop.

It just isn't possible when you live with a partner and an eight year old boy whose favorite food is pasta -- and they shouldn't be subject to my craziness.

Remember the whole 'staggering' calories theory? How I eat normally one day (if you can call six small meals normally) and then on the next day cut calories -- thereby reducing overall caloric intake without sending the body into starvation mode? Today is one of those low-calorie days and I am destined to be cranky.

I did girlie push-ups before bed last night -- and sad to say I can't do three full sets. I do have a goal though.

Really, how could I have let my fitness go like this? You stop working out for a few years and....*shaking head*.

Ow ow ow ow ow

2008-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

That's the sound of me going down the stairs -- this brings to mind a kind of funny anecdote about my post-college days when I was single for about a year or so...miserably single, but single nonetheless...and I made some strange dating choices. I went out with a guy at the front desk of the hotel where I waitressed -- he had a tattoo of the Chicago Bears symbol on his ankle and moonlit as a personal trainer.

He took me to the artificial turf where the Buffs played...and we also worked out together. I took on a little more than was probably good for me...seeing as how the next day I had trouble with stairs and turning the knob on my radio dial in the car. Frank. That was our first and last date.

Well. Didn't I say I was going to time myself this week? That will have to wait until tomorrow and the next day seeing as how I always seem one step behind where I'd like to be. In continuing with the strength training portion of the festivities I went to the gym today and used the cybex machines. I can't decide if I'm a) shocked at how weak I am OR b) shocked at how strong I must have been once upon a time when I was so hard on myself. I brought my journal which I've had since 2000 or so -- my 'I swear to god I'm not obsessive compulsive' journal of planned workouts and food intake and measurements. I went back to some old planned weight training for alternate days of legs/arms -- I suppose I should've gone with arms today seeing as how the lunges affected my legs...but I didn't. I hope I didn't go too far.

40 mn of weights: DONE
20 mn of cardio: DONE

Small meals:
yogurt/banana
wheat cracker/hummus
hummus wrap w/ spinach
2 leftover meatballs from dinner last night
truffle (can't help it)
piece of dark chocolate toblerone(it's a problem)
coffee with cream and sugar(I just can't quit you)

I also was on the regular stationary bike for awhile -- interesting how different it feels with the orientation. I did a max hr test on the bike and came up with 170.

If I'd only realized, in 1998, when this photo was taken that I was just fine physically. Let that be a lesson to you.

Lunges Suck

2008-01-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

No eloquence here - -just plain old complaining. Squats galore. Side lunges. Regular lunges. Plank position. V-sit.

I'm not really that into this part of it -- I like cardio much better.

Chocolate: the sixth food group

2008-01-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

I've resolved to make it to a spinning class -- different from the recumbent bike at home --upon which I spent 45 minutes -- enjoying myself and wondering what my max hr on that machine is.

More than anything else I have to remember the life-saving properties of exercise for me emotionally -- I truly become plagued with worries...incessant looping thoughts, a dimming of everything when I don't exercise. I've even required of G to remember when I am acting particularly out of sorts he's supposed to ask "Pam, have you exercised lately?"

I'm actually looking forward to the NordicTrak tomorrow -- I have plans to swim on Wednesday.

My friend called to tell me that there's a triathlon in late July -- which is, frankly, a little earlier than I imagined.

Here are my options:

Olympic DistanceSwim: 1.5KBike: 40KRun: 10K

Short CourseSwim: .4 milesBike: 15 milesRun: 3 miles

I wish I could say I'm up for the former -- but I think it'll have to be the latter -- if I actually put my money where my mouth is -- I am, after all, the woman who used to be the girl who trained with the swim team in high school but bailed out before competition because the thought of it literally turned me into jelly.

July 12th, 2008. 165 Days.

Can't stop eating chocolate.

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-01-25T05:55:00.001-08:00

I've come to have difficulty travelling for the most shallow of reasons -- I can't stand pictures of myself. Who knew I was so vain?

Perhaps it's just that in the years that I was thinner I was surprised by the person looking back at me. This was me visiting my brother in Colombia in December of 2002 -- and sure, I wasn't eating out of sheer fear of being kidnapped by guerrilla (and was at the tail end of a two year anxiety/depression struggle):

And letsee if I can even find a photo I'm willing to compare - last week on my trip to Mexico:

Well, there you have it. I'm just bigger -- more muscular maybe -- take up more space -- but why is it that I can't deal with it? That I reflect on the time when I was getting 'slight' -- this, again, the disordered thinking. It's good to post this -- though it feels strange because in a way there's accountability to look up at that second photo and tell myself that there's nothing wrong with how I am right this minute -- no matter what the damned scale says.

As for my training -- I was back on the bike yesterday -- endurance riding for 45 mn. I noticed that I'm at the point where my muscles feel GOOD riding -- like there's an itch that's been scratched or something...it was nice after the long weekend away -- and it's been essential in tempering my mood considering that X's baby has come into the world and I am struggling with it.

Today I should do yoga and some strength components -- Monday I'll start swimming -- perhaps I'll do the NordicTrak today!

More later.

The Old Stand-bys & The Training Wheel

2008-01-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

I had forgotten that I used to do lunges, sit-ups, and push-ups religiously before bed. Guess who did three sets of lunges last night while watching "The Biggest Loser"?

I am thinking that I should consider investing in a personal trainer -- for limited sessions of course -- I just don't seem to be able to push myself as FAR as I need to -- and weight training isn't really happening at home with my pathetic little handweights -- as much as I might do fitness T.V. OnDemand -- I think I would be better off with a human.

When I get home from my trip my next step is to time myself in each of the areas: 1.5 mile run, 400 yard swim, 3 mile bike ride (though this will be indoors). You're supposed to make an all-out speed effort on each and, of course, take the tests on different days -- and then score yourself according to her charts so you can have a baseline for fitness. I can already tell you that I am slow, slow, slow.

I wish I had an image of this -- but for now you have to picture it -- okay, draw a small circle in the center of a larger one. Label the interior circle 'training hub' -- this is where you list your short term and long term training goals. The outer circle is your training rim. Moving clockwise divide the circle, like a pie, into sections 30%, -- two 20% sections, and two 15% sections. The First section is Base training -- and you spend 30% of your allotted weeks here (for me I've chosen 36 weeks).

I spend 10 weeks Base training in heart zones 1-2 (work on your bio mechanical skill in each sport -- making sure its efficient and correct - develop base aerobic capacity) Three workouts per week -- bike, swim, run -- 15-30 mn per workout.

The second piece is Endurance training -- in zones 2-3 -- 7 weeks. (Train for longer periods, slightly harder -- upping heart rate) 3-4 workouts per week: swim, bike, 2 runs -- 14-35 mn per workout.

Thirdly is Strength Training -- zones 2-4 -- 7 weeks -- this is the part of improving the sport-specific muscles by training with weight -- on hills, with resistance, swimming aids, upping incline on the treadmill. 4-5 workouts - 1 in each sport plus 2 more in the sport that needs the most improvement. 15-45 mn per workout.

Fourth is Interval and speed -- spend 6 weeks using interval training/sprints - 5 workouts -- 1 swim, 2 bike, 1 run, plus 1 interval training. 15-50 mn per workout

Fifth is Power -- 6 weeks of working on 'bricks' -- two sports in one work out -- bike/swim 5-6 workouts 1-2 swims, 1-2 bikes, 1-2 runs plus one brick. 15- 60 mn per workout.

Fun eh?

One thing I notice writing all of this out is that I have been using aerobic workouts of 45 minutes at least -- which makes me think that I need to be focusing on the quality of output in a shorter time frame, rather than the time spent? 15 minutes or 20 minutes seems laughably short to me. Do I amend it or do I stick to her schedule?

Listening

2008-01-15T05:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the challenge for me is listening to my body -- listening to the aches in my wrists and elbows which ask that I do a different stretching practice today -- no more down dogs -- as much as I love them -- I won't love them if I push myself to injury. Wanting to go, go, go when I need to be mindful of my body's limits.

Yesterday I did an hour of yoga, walked the dog -- and then spent 40 minutes on the bike while I watched "The 'L' Word" On Demand.

When I walked Lucy yesterday I put my heart rate monitor on -- a brisk walk over uneven, icy snow -- through the park and through the streets to another park. I was surprised to see that my heart rate (122 average) was equal to my biking -- which tells me that I am not pushing myself hard enough. I think when I ran on the treadmill at 157 that was a good, challenging pace for me -- but if I were to do that every day I think I would burn out.

I'm going on vacation on Thursday for five nights -- with my oldest friend. I'm hoping to swim and relax and try not to eat too much.

It's strange -- because much of the weight I've gained is in a place I never had before -- my stomach -- but perhaps it's just that I gained it in all the familiar places...but the extra weight I'd never had before needed some place to go -- so clearly I've just never been this out of shape before. I feel all the same muscular structure beneath, same strength -- just this extra bit of padding that gets in the way. It is SO frustrating.

I wish I'd known this when I was 145 and whining about my big butt and thighs -- 'um, sweetheart -- that's just your build...'

I have a doctor's appointment at 10 today so it throws my workout to the middle of the day. More on this later.

I'm ready to get to the training in the pool part!

Maximum Heart Rate

2008-01-13T18:55:00.000-08:00

By the way -- I may have mentioned that I've been using Sally Edwards Heartzones approach?

She has this suggestion for finding your max. heart rate -- basically you get on a treadmill (or in my case, nordic trak) and you warm up for 5 minutes keeping your heart rate at an easy pace (for me about 120) -- and then every 15 seconds you ramp it up -- looking at your stopwatch and your heart rate monitor -- ramping it up until you plateau and basically can go no further.

175.

There you have it.

Morning heart rate: 69

Yoga

2008-01-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

I had true joy with yoga this morning.

50 minutes.

Giddy.

It was the only thing exercise-wise that I did today, but I am going to be kind to myself about it -- no use beating myself up, right?

I'm pleased to say that certain poses are getting easier -- Dolphin for one -- and Camel I can actually touch my heels.

Tomorrow, as Scarlett says, is another day.

Though emotionally with X and all -- I'm really wanting to comfort eat. Instead I'm going to drink more water. Or Danish Butter cookies.

Or water.

And So it Begins...

2008-01-12T16:06:00.001-08:00

In trying, and failing, to bring a life into this world I realized that until this point in my life, at thirty-five, I have taken my body for granted. I have pushed and pulled it, hated it, assailed it, struggled for years to feel at home in it, starved it, stuffed it, punished it, but what I never did was love it.

I took a hard inventory of myself recently and was utterly shocked by what I saw. 40 lbs heavier than I'd been just five years ago each year seeming to bring 10 lbs with it -- and though I'd never completely let go of diet and exercise -- I'd not had the thorough, disciplined attention to it that I'd had in my earlier life -- and the irony? I was most unhappy when I was the 'thinnest' -- and most happy and closest to joy these last years with G. Happiness aside, I need to feel that I live in a body that I can love. This is part of my journey. This blog will detail my current plans for heartzone training -- cross training for a triathalon. Please don't ask me which one -- I'm still trying to wrap my head around the goal. I am a hard-won athlete -- never ran until college -- and I fought every half mile like I was going to die -- until I could run 3.5 miles 5 times a week -- and then, well, I stopped. Stopped running. Stopped swimming. Stopped fitness classes. Stopped restricting my food. Stopped weighing myself twice a day. Stopped yoga.

And now I'm here, starting over. Again. At thirty-five -- with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, with writer's block, and with a goal. I knew I had to be accountable and so that is what this blog is for.

Luckily -- or perhaps unluckily -- I have always obsessively journaled about things body related -- food intake and measurements -- to the point where, let's be honest -- I had a disorder. At the end of 2002 I had a measured my waist at 25 inches...dropping, dropping, dropping month by month from the 28.5 I'd been coming back from Montana -- a healthy girl, strong, sized 10/12 then -- no one would every mistake me for waif-like -- but I'd won some small measure of peace with my body through hiking and running in the mountains. Coming home to the place I'd been so miserable growing up -- well something went terribly wrong. This went hand in hand with a spiralling depression -- peaking at the nadir of my weight - 139 (I'm 5'6") -- I had always hovered between 145- 165 at the very most -- ever since I was 18.

That spring of 2003 my weight spiral halted with a bout with influenza, and subsequent pneumonia that Spring -- and then by July of that year my waist was 27 again...and by then I was dating G. and my life was full, and happy -- and a therapist told me to throw out the scale and just live. And I did. Feeding G. & W. Finishing W's leftovers. Eating the sort of food children eat -- unable to resist joining G. with the corn chips in front of hockey on the couch -- getting our favorite Thai food,enjoying restaurants and obscene amounts of sushi -- ah the curve of love -- and oh how curvy it is.

I am now 189 pounds -- or so the scale claims. My waist measures 31 inches. I can fit into some 10/12 on top -- 12/14 on bottom.

I am not going to try for the 25 inch waist, 139 lbs -- because here's a journal entry from those days:

Breakfast: 1/2 C Whole milk

TB honey

1 apple

1/4 C Hot cereal (estimated calories: 385)

There's no other entry for food -- though I imagine I must've had a pork chop and a salad.

I've decided that I will try to get back to my measurements before I got so obsessive -- my waist was 28.5 -- and so -- I'll begin there. I don't want to start the scale again, not yet.

I want to try to do yoga every day -- with a daily check of my a.m. heart rate to check for over training. I have been exercising on the stationary bike for 45 mn in my heartrate zone -- for nearly seven months -- but my weight hasn't moved. I have to add weight training as well -- the suggestion is 6x a week. I just don't know if I have it in me.

1. Yoga daily

2. 40 mn weights

3. 20-40 mn cardio in heartrate zone

4. Six meals of 300 calories on days Sun, Tues, Thurs, and Saturday.

5. Six high protein meals of fewer calories Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

6. Three nalgene bottles of water per day.

The other piece of this is eating. I am a sucker for chocolate, G's not shy about chips, and W's requests for Burger King get answered every once in a while. I am going to try to adhere to 1800 calories a day in six small meals on days 1, 3, 5 & 7 of the week -- and low calorie protein meals on 2, 4&6.

Wish me luck!